A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the mans face.
What the heck did you do that for!?! the man screams.
Well, you dont have the hiccups anymore do you?
The man says, No I dont, you IDIOT…
But my wife out in the car still does!
Dear Brad: I was reading the Womens Centre newsletter here at U of T
and I came across the following ad. Now, I dont think its funny to
belong to such an organization, but the specialization it indicates
rivals Monty Pythons crazy organizations (e.g. the Humber and District
Catholic River-Wideners Club, the Royal Society for Pushing Sailors into
Shops):
April 22-24 If you are a Jewish Lesbian with one or more parents who
survived the holocaust, or a partner, join the Jewish Lesbian Daughters
of Holocaust Survivors for a weekend in New Hampshire. Workshops
discussion and support around the issues we share.
There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll.
He brought her back to the States and they were very happy.
He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had. Every day it was, Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have. Every night it was, Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.
Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, Beautiful Butt.
So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, There is no way I can get Beautiful Butt on your tiny little beautiful butt. But I can put a nice B on each cheek which will stand for Beautiful Butt.
A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her Bs.
Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.
Quickly sitting up he exclaims, Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
I have good news and bad news, the owner replied. The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.
Thats wonderful, the artist exclaimed.
Whats the bad news?
The guy is your doctor…
What does a smart man do with 365 used rubbers?? Makes it a tire and calls it a Good Year.
Un famoso mariconazo, que tantas veces habÃa dado y tantas otras recibido, un buen dÃa muere y llega en presencia de San Pedro.
El Santo le dice paternal: Querido hijo, para entrar al paraÃso deberás respoder a mi pregunta, para la cual seguramente no estás todavÃa preparado; en tanto, toma ésta pastilla. Y le dá un comprimido blanco del tamaño de un botoncito, vuelve a la tierra y tómala con un poco de agua, luego vuelve a mÃ.
El mariconazo, estupefacto lleva a cabo la órden y, después de algunos minutos, comienza a sentir un gran malestar de panza; corre al baño, donde se libera en una terrible y maloliente diarrea por 10 minutos seguidos.
Terminada la cagada, se reencuentra, blanco y demacrado de frente a San Pedro, que lo mira con ojo clÃnico, y le dice: aún no te encuentro listo, y le dá una pastilla del tamaño de un cacahuate y le pide hacer lo mismo de la vez anterior.
Ésta vez el efecto de la pastilla es mortal, el mariconazo caga diarrea ininterrumpidamente por 3 horas, y luego, extenuado, se encuentra delante del Santo. Después de un atento examen, le dice todavÃa no estás listo y le da otra pastilla, ahora de la dimensión de una nuez. El efecto es terrible, espantoso, bestial… una megacagada de 12 horas con fisura de ano y hemorroides múltiples.
El maricon, ya convertido en una larva humana, vuelve delante del Santo hombre, que lo mira y aprueba con la cabeza: si, si, ahora seguramente estás listo para mi pregunta: ¿habéis entendido ya para qué sirve el culo?
A really sloppy drunk is draped over the bar. The bartender tells him, OK, youve had enough. Im not going to serve you anymore, so get out of here and go home.
The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, I told you to go home, Im not serving you anything more, youve had enough, now go home.
The drunk leaves again.
Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, Man, I told you, youre wasted. Im not serving you anymore, now go home, youve had enough.
Again, the drunk leaves.
Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, What the hell is the matter with you? I keep telling you, youve had enough already, and Im not going to serve you anymore, now go home!
The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, How many places do you work at?
This lovely little girl was entering class for the first time. A friendly little boy said his name was David, what is yours? Happy Butt she says. Dont lie to me, that isnt your name! What is your name? Happy Butt she says again. Im going to tell the teacher on you for lying! he shouts. He gets the teacher and says she is lying to him about her name. What is your name? asks the teacher. Happy Butt says the little girl. No, no, says the teacher. What is your real name? Happy Butt replies the little girl. Shame on you for lying. says the teacher. You go straight to the principals office right this minute! Why are you here? asks the principal of the little girl. They think Im lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt. said the little girl. Your name cant be Happy Butt says the principal. Im going to call your mother right this minute and straighten this out. You must not lie to us about your name. The principal calls the mother and says , We have your little girl here and she keeps telling us her name is Happy Butt. Oh, that must be Gladys. says the mother. Well, little girl, your mother says your name is Gladys, says the principal. The little girl replies, Happy Butt, Glad ass, whats the difference.
Osama bin Laden finally gets his due when a one-ton tomahawk
missile lands
on his tent one day. He immediately goes to
hell, where the devil is waiting
for him.
I dont know what to do here, says the devil. You are on
my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to
stay here,
so Ill tell you what Im going to do: Ive got a
couple of people here
who werent quite as bad as you. Ill
let one of them go, but you have
to take their place. Ill
even let YOU decide who leaves.
Osama bin
Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil
opened the first room.
In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and
surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
No, said Osama bin Laden, I dont think so. Im not a good
swimmer and
I dont think I could do that all day long.
The devil led him to the
next room. In it was the Ayatollah
Khomeini with a sledge-hammer and a
room full of rocks. All
he did was swing that hammer, time after time after
time.
No, Ive got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,
commented Osama bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama bin Laden saw Bill
Clinton,
lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head,
and his legs staked
in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best. Osama bin Laden
looked in disbelief and finally said, Yeah,
I can handle
this.
The devil smiled and said, OK, Monica, youre free
to go.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.