Old and New Jokes

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? 20: one to change the bulb, the rest to make a documentary all about it.

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses, explained the driver.

What did you tell the farmer? Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, I told him that I was Rush Limbaughs driver and Id just killed the pig.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

A: From eating with forks.

Well, there was this truck driver that had been driving all day and hadnt stopped for lunch or anything and he was getting REAL hungry. He sees this diner and pulls in, walks up to the counter and sits down by this old biker who was staring at a steaming bowl of chili.

The waitress comes up and asks the trucker what hell have and he looks at that chili and says, Lady, I am starving to die, here, that chili looks good, Ill have that.

The waitress goes off and comes back with the truckers steamy bowl of chili that he promptly gulps down. Not satisfied yet, he looks over at the biker who is still staring at his chili. The trucker tells him, hey, Im still kind of hungry, if youre not gonna eat that, may I? and the biker slides the bowl of chili toward the trucker.

Well, the trucker takes his time with this bowl. He gets about half way down and theres this big greasy dog turd in the bowl. The trucker proceeds to barf everything back into the bowl and the biker says, yep, thats as far as I got, too!

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
Relatives of yours?
Yep, the wife replied, in-laws.

You might be a redneck if…
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Mother calls up stairs, You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or youll be late for school!

As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, Today were gonna learn to swear! The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.

The 5-year-old continues, When we get to the table, Ill say hell and you say ass! The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.

They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?

The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head… Hell Mom! Ill have Cheerios!

He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.

Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, Well now, what would you like for breakfast?

The 4-year-old replies, I dont know ma… But you can bet your ass it aint Cheerios!

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic microorganism.

Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

Ill be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I dont expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. Ill go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and dont you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?

His new bride said, No, thats fine with me. Just understand that therell be sex here at seven oclock every night – whether youre here or not.

A lawyer cross-examined the adversarys main witness. You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?

Objection, your honor, shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

So, the first lawyer continued, Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?

Nothing, said the witness. No one was home.