What if Operating Systems were Airlines?
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jump on again, and so on…
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you dont need to know, dont want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
But officer, the man began, I can explain.
Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.
But, officer, I just wanted to say,…
And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.
Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom.
5. Im not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. Im always available.
3. It doesnt matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.
A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, whats the problem officer?To which the policeman responded, I stopped you for running that red light behind you. Just then the mans wife leaned forward from the drivers seat and said with a very loud voice, I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going.
The man then turned to his wife and yelled Shut up stupid! The policeman continued, And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30. His wife then leaned forward again and squawked I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me.
And again the man shouted at his wife Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!
The policeman then looked at the woman and said does he always talk to you this way?
To which the woman responed, Only when he has been drinking.
A LIZARD CAN JUMP UP AND YOU
WOULD NOT OF NOTICED UNTIL YOU CAME BACK FROM THE SKY.
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows 95
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade holiday scents in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Years Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said Look at that dog with one eye!
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, Why?
Overheard in a small gathering at a pub…
A man asks:
Whats the difference between your wife and your girlfriend?
Answer:
60 pounds!
A woman counters with:
Whats the difference between your husband and your boyfriend?
Answer:
60 minutes!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denvers old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.
The agent replied, Im sorry sir. Ill be happy to try to help you, but Ive got to help these folks first, and Im sure well be able to work something out.
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, Do you have any idea who I am?
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. May I have your attention please? she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F— you!
Without flinching, she smiled and said, Im sorry, sir, but youll have to stand in line for that, too.
The crowd applauded – and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!