Old and New Jokes

Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Una vez el papá de Jaimito se estaba bañando y luego salió del baño desnudo y Jaimito le vio,

naturalmente el padre se cubrió sus partes íntimas… y Jaimito le preguntó:

Papá, papá, ¿qué tienes ahí?

Y él le respondió: Aquí tengo un gallito hijito.

En otra ocasión de igual manera Jaimito vio a su madre desnuda y le preguntó:

Mamá, mamá… ¿qué tienes ahí?

Aquí tengo un gallito hijito.

En otra ocasión el hermano mayor de Jaimito le encontró viendo por la ventana del dormitorio de los padres que estaban haciendo el amor… y le preguntó:

Jaimito ¿qué haces ahí?

Y él respondió:

Aquí estoy viendo como se pelean el gallito de mi mamá, con el gallito de mi papá… y el gallito de mi mamá está ganando por que se tiró todo el pescuezo…

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all running from the cops. They find a barber shop, run in, and ask got any places to hide? he answers, i dunno, you can check if you want The brunette hides in a box, the redhead in a closet, and the blonde in a potato sack. A few minutes later a policeman walks into the shop. He goes to the barber and asks did you see 3 strange women walk through here? and he replies i dunno, but you can check. He walks over to the box, kicks it, and hears WOOF WOOF! and he replies damn dog! goes to the closet, kicks it…MEOW MEOW!…damn cat. He by then walks to the potato sack, kicks it, and hears, POTATO!!!

Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.

BLONDE: Excuse me, what time is it right now?

WOMAN: Its 11:25PM.

BLONDE: (confused look on face) You know, its the weirdest thing, Ive asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer.

The train is leaving the station. A man yells through an open window to another man, still standing on the platform: Thank you for a wonderful weekend. And tell your wive shes better in bed than anyone else.

Another passenger then says: Excuse me, how can you tell someone that his wive is better in bed than any other woman?

Well, it isnt true, but Jones is a nice man, I just wanted to be polite.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone.

1. If it doesnt run off the mains, batteries are never included
2. If it does run off the mains, a plug is never included
3. Everything is designed to break by Dec 26
4. If you can wear it, its the wrong size
5. If it fits, the color is never right
6. Santa Claus is an incorrigible practical joker

Each day I try
to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group,
the salty snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is
group.

I heard this one today from Steinar Hoistad, Director of European
Operations UNIX International, at the UI Road show.

A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan.
Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that
his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes
and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he
said. Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese
gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success!
People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not
understand one bit of what was said. Still he started to applaud, as
the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.

However, he was interrupted by the chairman of the conference:
No no, sir. You must not applaud!

Dumbfounded he protested:
But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker.

No sir, you must not applaud, he is translating your speech.