Al cruzar por delante de un escaparate, un tontilandés se ve reflejado en el cristal, lo que provoca que se pase todo el dÃa pensando:
¿De qué conozco yo a ese tÃo que estaba en el escaparate? ¿Dónde lo he visto?
Por la noche, ya acostado sigue dándole vueltas en la cabeza y al fin cae en cuenta:
¡Coño, ya lo sé! ¡Es él que se corta el pelo delante de mà en la peluquerÃa!
Un piquetero (agitador social), un polÃtico y una mujer fueron sometidos a un detector de mentiras. Si lo que estaban pensando no era verdad, la máquina hacÃa pipipipip.
Entonces el piquetero dice: Yo pienso que tenemos que dejar de hacer piquetes
Ppipipip.
El polÃtico dice:
Yo pienso que tenemos que dejar de robar plata.
Pipipipip.
Y finalmente la mujer dice:
Yo pienso…
Pipipipip.
Q: Do you now why the White House is called the White House?
A: Because sperm is not black
You might be a red neck if your dad walks you to school because youre both in the same grade!
you might be a redneck if you mow your yard and find a 1956 chevy!
How careers end…
Lawyers are disbarred.
Ministers are defrocked.
Electricians are delighted.
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
A preschool teacher thought it would be interesting for her students to learn to identify different names for the various kinds of meats. One day, she cooked up several different meats and labeled them. As each student took a bite they were asked to identify the animal.
Little Sherry took a bite of the meat labeled beef and correctly said that it came from a cow. Tommy took a bite of pork and also correctly identified the meat as coming from a pig. The last meat was labeled venison. The children chewed and chewed and after numerous incorrect guesses the teacher attempted to give them a hint what does your mommy call your daddy when he comes home from work at night she asked?
All of a sudden little Joey jumped up from the back of the classroom and yelled Jesus Christ! Spit it out, its Asshole!
First Grade … true story
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, … And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?
The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that man said?
One little boy raised his hand and said, I think he said Holy Shit! A talking pig!
The teacher was unable to speak for the next 10 minutes.
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think were so obsessed with getting laid?
That doesnt prove anything, the woman countered. Think about this – When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?
If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent
disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.
Things That Are Hard To Say When Youre Drunk
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
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Things that are VERY difficult to say when youre drunk…
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
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Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when youre drunk…
a) Thanks, but I dont want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but youre not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isnt it lovely out tonight?
f) Im not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldnt – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. Id hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.