Old and New Jokes

Resumania is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consultings parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates resumes, job applications and cover letters. Heres some examples:

I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise. (And an eye on the e section of the dictionary, evidently.)

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.(No problem …)

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable. (Glad to hear it.)

I am very detail-oreinted. (With the possible exception of spelling)

I can play well with others. (Well be sure to tell your mommy.)

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel. (A new twist on work-family balance.)

Objection: To utilize my skills in sales. (Have you considered law school?)

My salary requirement is $34 per year. (They say money isnt everything.)

Served as assistant sore manager. (Ouch.)

Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle. (So youre willing to travel?)

I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live. (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice presidents girlfriend could steal my job. (Were glad youre not bitter.)

Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, this coming Rosh Hashanah consider these options:

For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For not giving full value, Shortbread
For jingoism, Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For racism, Crackers
For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
For davvening off tune, Flat Bread
For being holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat

Remember, you dont have to show your crumbs to anyone.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that its a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure
or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to
be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0
installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization
where it can monitor all other system activity. Hes finding that some
applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no
longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected
(even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0
provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as
MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance
seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features wed like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0.

A Dont remind me again button
Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the
option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system
resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow
the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You
must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing
bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of
Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they
would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the
uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesnt work very well leaving
undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks — all versions of Girlfriend continually popup
little annoying messages (nag screens) about the advantages of upgrading to
Wife 1.0

Bug Warning

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to
install, claiming insufficient resources.

Medical science is making great strides on all fronts. So far this winter I havent heard a soul complain of a cold. Everyone I know who has been sick has had a virus.

• Whew, thats one terrific spread!

• Im in the mood for a little dark meat.

• Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

• Talk about a huge breast!

• Its Cool Whip time!

• If I dont undo my pants, Ill burst!

• Are you ready for seconds yet?

• Its a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?

• Just wait your turn. Youll get some!

• Dont play with your meat.

• Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.

• Do you think youll be able to handle all these people at once?

• You still have a little bit on your chin.

• Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.

• I didnt expect everyone to come at once!

• How long will it take after you stick it in?

• Youll know its ready when it pops up.

• Wow, I didnt think I could handle all of that!

• How many are coming?

• Thats the biggest one Ive ever seen!

• Just lay back & take it easy … Ill do the rest.

• How long do I beat it before its ready?

1. Before changing lanes you should:
(A) signal.

(B) check for traffic.

(C) both a & b.

(D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.

2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
(A) red.

(B) yellow.

(C) green.

(D) Who cares, it doesnt apply to me anyway.

3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
(A) 35 MPH.

(B) 25 MPH.

(C) 45 MPH.

(D) I paid $65,000 for this car, Ill drive as fast as I want.

4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
(A) slow to a walking pace.

(B) go around the block.

(C) stop.

(D) speed up and honk your horn.

5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you
should:
(A) maintain your speed.

(B) slow a little.

(C) slow a lot.

(D) speed up and dont bother honking your horn.

6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
(A) never.

(B) when there is a left turn arrow.

(C) on Sunday at 2 A.M.

(D) When ever you damn well feel like it.

7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
(A) must stop.

(B) may pass on the left after checking.

(C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.

(D) use your car phone to order Chinese food
while passing on the left.

8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
(A) pull to the right and stop.

(B) pull into the nearest car wash.

(C) roll down your windows.

(D) turn up the radio and ignore it.

9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
(A) never.

(B) when the doors are closed.

(C) if there are no police around.

(D) when you have missed your turn.

10. When approaching a traffic light where cars
are stopped, you should:
(A) relax.

(B) watch the signal.

(C) stop a safe distance back from the car in front.

(D) call your wife/secretary on your car
phone so everyone can see that you have a car
phone.

11. When turning onto a side street, you should
signal:
(A) two blocks before turning.

(B) two car lengths before turning.

(C) two miles before turning.

(D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, Ill sue him.

12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:

(A) only at an intersection.

(B) always.

(C) never.

(D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers.

13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
(A) never.

(B) on Sunday.

(C) if there is a fire hydrant.

(D) when Ill only be there for five minutes.

14. What is your annual gross income:
(A) $10,000-20,000.

(B) $20,000-40,000.

(C) $40,000-80,000.

(D) $80,000 and up.

Scoring

If you answered d on every question, you have a perfect
score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz
Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your
nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select
the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions,
you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study
the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for
your retest.

If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions,
were sorry, you just dont have the proper attitude to
be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver. Perhaps you should
consider a BMW.

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, youll never go anywhere again.

3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

10. Dinner special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

100 Ways to Order a Pizza



1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.



2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.



3. Use CB lingo where applicable.



4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.



5. Terminate the call with, Remember, we never had this conversation.



6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and youre going with the lowest bidder.



7. Give them your address, exclaim Oh, just surprise me! and hang up.



8. Answer their questions with questions.



9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.



10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.



11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.



12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallicas Master of Puppets CD.



13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.



14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say crazy bread.



15. Stutter on the letter p.



16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Dominos, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)



17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.



18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.



19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.



20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.



21. Tell the order taker youre depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.



22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.



23. Change your accent every three seconds.



24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.



25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say Bed-Wetters Camp, right?



26. Start your order with Id like. . . . A little later, slap yourself and say No, I dont.



27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say OK. Thatll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.



28. Rent a pizza.



29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.



30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.



31. Put the accent on the last syllable of pepperoni. Use the long i sound.



32. Have your pizza shaken, not stirred.



33. Say Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say Well, so is this! Youve got some explaining to do! When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, Do you know what its like to be lied to?



34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.



35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.



36. Imitate the order takers voice.



37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.



38. When they say What would you like? say, Huh? Oh, you mean now.



39. Play a sitar in the background.



40. Say its your anniversary and youd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.



41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.



42. Ask to see a menu.



43. Quote Carl Sandberg.



44. Say youll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.



45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.



46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.



47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.



48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.



49. Shout Im through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!



50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say Where was I? Who are you?



51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.



52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.



53. Order two toppings, then say, No, theyll start fighting.



54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.



55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didnt mean it.



56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor hes fired.



57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.



58. Use expletives like Great Caesars Ghost and Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.



59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.



60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.



61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.



62. Try to talk while drinking something.



63. Start the conversation with My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!



64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.



65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.



66. Be vague in your order.



67. When they repeat your order, say Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.



68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.



69. After ordering, say I wonder what THIS button on the phone does. Simulate a cutoff.



70. Start the conversation by reciting todays date and saying, This may be my last entry.



71. State your order and say thats as far as this relationship is going to get.



72. Ask if theyre familiar with the term spanking a pizza. Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.



73. Say Kssssssssssssssht rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.



74. Detect the order takers psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.



75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.



76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.



77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.



78. Perfect a celebritys voice. Stress that you wont take any crap from some two-bit cant-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.



79. Put them on hold.



80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.



81. Mumble, Theres a bomb under your seat. When asked to repeat that, say I said sauce smothered with meat.



82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say No mushrooms, please. Hang up before they have a chance to respond.



83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say You just dont get it, do you?



84. When youge given the price, say Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.



85. Haggle.



86. Order a one-inch pizza.



87. Order term life insurance.



88. When they say Will that be all?, snicker and say Well find out, wont we?



89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.



90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.



91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.



92. Engage in some serious swapping.



93. Dance all around the word pizza. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say Please dont mention that word.



94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell OW! when a bullet is fired.



95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.



96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.



97. Order a steamed pizza.



98. Get takers name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so. Hang up.



99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.



If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, Last guy let me do it.

In English, he said, A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah, right.

Some other things that never happen on Star Trek…

A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly
has a surprise birthday party.

A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or
whatever.

McCoy says, On second thought, maybe Im a carpenter and NOT a doctor
after all.

The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.

Kirk meets a woman whom hes known for years but never had sex with.

Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.

Kirk says, Uhura, Im frightened.

Kirk gets court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.

A Klingon says to a companion, Hey, I like you.

Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.

An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening
or menacing in any way.

Some patient of McCoys whos NOT a central character lives.

Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.

The crew of the original Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and
nobody suffers major emotional trauma.

A major character dies and isnt resurrected.

The mysterious giant threatening object is on a direct course for some
world other than Earth.

Somebody says, You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What is
it, a Close Encounters reject?

Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of
the galaxy obsolete.

McCoy says, Hell live, Jim.

[Ed: My own additions]

Somebody vacations on a planet other than Raisa.

A major character has a serious character flaw.

A VIP visitor to the Enterprise is not a relative, lover or close friend
of a major character.