Old and New Jokes

As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. So did you follow him? ask the chemist. I did, replied the assistant. And…where did he go? Over to your house.

An elderly Punjabi admitted to the intensive care department of a hospital requested that he take lessons in French. The doctor was puzzled and asked him why.
Well, French is the language of heaven, he sighed. I want to be able to communicate with everyone in heaven if I die.
But how are you so sure that you will end up in heaven? You might go to hell. What good will French do you then? asked the doctor.
That will no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Its hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.

A guy from Tyson Foods arranged a visit with the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispered, Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.

The Pope responds saying, That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.

Well, says the Tyson man, We are prepared to donate one billion dollars to the Church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken…

Again the Pope replies That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.

Finally, the Tyson guy says, This is our last offer. We will donate five billion dollars to the church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.

The good news is that the Church has just received a donation of five billion dollars.

The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!

Durante un vuelo a Nueva York iba un señor de aspecto muy distinguido sentado junto a una dama que lucía muy profesional. Este hombre era de aquellos, a los que les resultaba imposible estar a la par de alguien sin entablar conversación de forma que la inició mas o menos como a continuación les relato:

Hola… ¿viaja usted a Nueva York?

Sí señor -dijo ella- sin mostrar interés alguno por continuar la charla.

¡Qué interesante! -exclamó él en tono muy grave – y sin darse por vencido prosiguió ¿va de vacaciones?

No señor voy en vías de trabajo.

¡Que interesante!… ¿y usted a que se dedica?

Como a todos nos pasa, sintió el agrado de poder elevar el ego, -soy Psicóloga, poseo un master en Sexualidad Humana -dijo simulando indiferencia.

¡Qué interesante! -replicó él – supongo que en Nueva York tiene su oficina de trabajo.

No, me dirijo para allá dado que esta semana se celebra el Congreso Mundial de Sexología y yo soy una de las expositoras.

¡Qué interesante! – volvió a decir mientras su entusiasmo iba claramente en aumento – ¿puedo saber de que trata su cátedra?

Desde luego – afirmó ella interesada ya en la plática – voy a dictar una conferencia magistral sobre el tamaño del pene de los hombres, presentaré una evaluación retrospectiva preliminar de los diferentes grupos étnicos, he dedicado mi vida a esta investigación.

¡Qué interesante! – contestó el hombre subiendo el tono y agravando la voz delatando su entusiasmo – y cuénteme… ¿qué ha podido determinar usted?

Pues le diré, contrario a lo que usted está pensando en este momento no son los hombres de raza negra los que tienen el pene mas largo.

¡Qué interesante!… y entonces ¿quiénes son?

Son los Apaches señor, pero no son ellos los que lo tienen mas grueso.

¡Qué interesante!… Supongo que ahí si entran los negros.

No señor, los Judíos, son ellos quienes lo tienen mas grueso.

En este momento el avión ya había llegado a la manga de la terminal aérea, lo que hacía necesario concluir tan científica tertulia, por lo que ella concluyó diciendo:

Que gran gusto fue para mi conocerlo soy la Dra. Pria Po, me gustaría invitarle a escuchar mi conferencia ¿con quién tuve el gusto?

Doctora Po, el gusto ha sido mío, ¡mi nombre es Toro Sentado Rosemberg!

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.



The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.



Moses turned to Jesus and said, I hate playing with your Dad.

If Anita Bryant married Moby Dick… her name would be?

Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?

A. They have shaky hands!

The Scot told his wife, Be sure now to take off your new eye glasses if youre not looking at anything.

All targets met;

All systems working;

All customers satisfied;

All staff eager and enthusiastic;

All pigs fed and ready to fly.