Old and New Jokes

Una señorita va a la iglesia a confesarse:

Perdóneme, padre, porque he pecado.

Bueno, hija, cuéntame tus pecados, le responde el cura.

El otro día estaba caminando por la calle cuando me encontré con un viejo amigo. Fuimos a tomar un café y empezamos a charlar, después fuimos a su departamento e hicimos el amor. Y como yo soy tan frúgil…

Frágil, hija, se dice frágil, interpone el padre.

Bueno, al día siguiente estaba sentada en la plaza cuando de repente se aparece otro amigo. Empezamos a charlar y después terminamos en mi departamento e hicimos el amor. Y como yo soy tan frúgil…

Frágil, hija, frágil, dice otra vez el cura.

Y ayer estaba con mis amigas cuando se apareció mi novio. Empezamos a conversar, y después fuimos a su departamento y como yo soy tan… ¡Ay! ¿Cuál es esa palabra, padre?

Puta, hija, puta.

I dont lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant.



Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.



But, how will you know when our baby is born? she asked.



Well, he said, after youve had the baby, just send me a post card and write sauerkraut on the back.



Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.



Six months went by and then one day the doctors wife called him at his office. Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today, she explained. I dont understand what it means!



Just wait till I get home and Ill read it, he replied.



Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card, which said: SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT: TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!

Murphys Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when youre up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attackers father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when its your turn.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

102. Pile dirty dishes in your roommates bed. Insist that you dont know how they got there.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

134. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

Its possible that my whole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

An older woman was sitting on a bench in the park reading her newspaper when she was interupted by an elderly man who said, Ill bet you cant guess how old I am.

She looked up and said: Take off your hat and coat.

He did and she said: Turn around.

After looking him over carefully, she said: Turn around again.

The old gentleman turned around again and she said: Do it once more.

After he turned around yet another time, the old lady said: Youre 93 years old.

He was astonished and said: Thats really amazing, how did you know?

She said: You told me yesterday.

Retirement is the time of life when you stop lying about your age, and start lying around the house.

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says,Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too.

Marv smiles and says, Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?

Bernie says, Youre going to have to help me out here a little. Whats the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?

Marv grins again, Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…

Yes, yes, thats it! cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife…

Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?