Old and New Jokes

Scene: A crowded city bus.

Fat Lady: PTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPT!!! aaaaaahhhhh. Guy in the set in front of her: (gag)

One block farther along: Fat Lady: PTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPT!!!! Guy: (opens window)

A minute later: Fat Lady: PTPTPTPTPTPTPT! PTPTPTPTPT!

A couple of blocks along: Fat Lady: PTPTPTPT! Ptptptpt! Guy: (Sticks his head out the window.)

Another minute: Fat Lady: ptptpt. ptptpt.

A few minutes of silent stench later:

Fat broad: Pardon me, sir, would you happen to have the morning paper?

Guy: No – but the next time we pass a tree Ill reach out and try to grab some leaves for you.

80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.

Why do Jews have big noses?

Because air is free.

What do you call a blonde in a freezer?

A frosted Flake!

why did jesus stop playing HoCkEy???…………………………………….cuz he kept getting nalied to the BoArDsssss!!

(and for all you religous people i didnt mean to affend you)

Dos muchachas iban a la escuela y tenían que pasar por un tianguis donde estaba un árabe sentado vendiendo cosas. Las dos jovenes pasaron frente a el y el arabe les pregunta, con su acento árabe:

¿Ustedes dos son hermanas?

Y una de ellas le responde: No, señor.

Al día siguiente pasaron de nuevo y el árabe les vuelve a preguntar: ¿Ustedes dos son hermanas? y una le responde: No, señor.

Al siguiente día volvieron a pasar y el árabe les pregunta: ¿Ustedes dos son hermanas? y la otra joven le responde: ¡Qué no, señor!.

Al día siguiente antes de pasar una le dice a la otra: Si nos vuelve a preguntar le diremos que somos hermanas por que ya me enfadó.

Pasaron y el árabe les pregunta: ¿Ustedes dos son hermanas?

Y le contesta la joven: Si, señor, si somos hermanas.

Y el arabe les responde: ¡Pues no se parecen!

Act out your version of company takeover

Find a way to change everyones password to hellraiser

Around 3:20am, play connect the dots with lights still on in other office buildings

Sneaking in the bosss desk could land you an unexpected promotion

Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art

Go into the other genders bathroom without fear of being caught

Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will call so you can have someone to talk to

Leave prank message on the CEOs voice mail

Finally, a chance to live out a dream and work naked at your desk

Elevator surfing!

Her belly button doesnt have lint, it has sweaters.

BOY: Isnt the principal a dummy?!

GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?

BOY: No.

GIRL: Im the principals daughter.

BOY: And do you know who I am?

GIRL: No.

BOY: Thank goodness!

A black cow was standing in the middle of the road. A man was hauling ass around a corner with no headlights on, no dome light, no lights on at all. He slams on the brakes at just the right time to miss the cow. How did the guy see the cow?

It was daytime