Old and New Jokes

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.

The first nun says, My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box.

The second nun says, My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week.

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, Come on, weve told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours.

The third nun says, My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I cant wait to get off this train!

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant Ill just say, Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, theyre killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? Sweetheart, lets make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

Cant we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why dont they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why dont you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Why do they call it a building? It looks like theyre finished. Why isnt it a built?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isnt that the basic idea behind the wheel? Dont they rotate on their own?

All the kings HORSES and all the kings men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldnt put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!

Isnt it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, Oh, man, I cant wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still cant get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys cant even get the DETERGENT white! Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it! I think not.

Who is this guy Louis Freeh who is head of the FBI? People keep calling him Louie, like he was the king of France or something. And whats this with his last name? What does this mean, that he gives away the letter H?

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.



2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.



3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.



4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.



5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.



6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.



7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.



8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.



9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.



10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.



11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play

when this is the case.



12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.



13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.



14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. (Course time is Four to Five Hours)



15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

She says English
You want You want
We need I want
Its your decision The correct decision should be
obvious by now
Do what you want Youll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure…go ahead I dont want you to.
Im not upset Of course Im upset, you
moron.
Youre…so manly You need a shave and you sweat a
lot.
Youre certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever
think about?
Im not emotional! And Im not overreacting!Im on my
period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby
thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new
house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture,
wallpaper…
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it
there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? Im going to ask for something
expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today youre
really not going to like..
Ill be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and
find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me Im beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with
me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, youre
dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
Im sorry. Youll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? Its easy to fix, so youd
better get used to it.
Im not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think
this is important.
In answer to the question Whats wrong?

The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. Its just that youre such an
asshole.
I dont want to talk about it. Go away, Im still
building up evidence against you.

A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldnt remember where he put his other ski.

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolinas electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, And what will your third wish be?



The man looked at the genie and said, Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I havent had a first or second wish yet?



You have had two wishes already, the genie said, but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left.



Okay, said the man, I dont believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.



Funny, said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. That was your first wish, too.

Did you hear about the woman whose ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once?

One cooking and the other cleaning.

One guy decided one day to try a nudest beach.

So he got there, striped, and setteld down on his blanket, trying to get a tan.

Soon a little girl came up, pointed at his penis and asked what it was.



uh..my little bird.

But dont touch it, it might bite you.

Then he fell asleep. the next thing he knew, he was at a hospital.

whats going on? then he saw the little girl from the beach



Why am I hear? well, You fell asleep, but I wanted to play whit your bird.

I started petting him, and he started trying to fly! so then I tried to lift it up, and pulled REALLy tight! then it started spitting at me.

I hit it a lot, but it just kept spitting.

Then…

*gulp* I kinda stomped on it, and I think I killed it!

Sam was trying to show his wife that women talk much more than men. To prove his point he showed her a scholarly study that showed men, on average, use about l500 words per day as opposed to women, who use at least 3,000.

Jane, his wife, pondered this for a little while and then thought of an answer. Women, she said, must use twice as many words as men, because they have to repeat every thing they say.