Un árabe y un amigo extranjero están conversando:
¿Cómo puedes hacer el amor con las cuarenta esposas que tienes? Seguramente es muy cansado ¿no?, pregunta el forastero.
No, no es cansado, amigo, al contrario: es muy fácil, asegura el árabe.
Entonces, ¿cuál es el secreto?
Sencillo, a las cuarenta las colocó una encima de la otra; luego, a la última le hago el amor y a las restantes les pongo papel carbónico.
En una carretera campestre, un matrimonio viaja con su hijo de ocho años de edad. Al salir de una curva, el pequeño alcanza a ver un indio con el brazo derecho levantado y sosteniendo con la mano a un tejón por la cola, que hacÃa grandes esfuerzos para soltarse sin lograrlo. Sobre su cabeza se leÃa en un letrero mal pintado:
TEJONES A $100.
El chiquillo inmediatamente le pide a su padre que se pare, y el auto se detiene frente al puesto de venta de tejones. El niño corre a observar los tejones, mientras el padre y la madre discuten el precio con el indio. De pronto, el niño pregunta:
Disculpe, señor, ¿cómo se cogen los tejones?
El hombre se le queda viendo; se vuelve a ver a los padres del niño y nuevamente al niño y, finalmente, contesta:
Mira niño, el tejoncito comienza a corretear a la tejoncita y cuando ésta ya no puede correr más, la va acorralando y luego se le acerca por detrás y le levanta la…
El padre, al ver que la pregunta de su hijo fue mal interpretada, aclara:
No, no, señor, mi hijo se refiere a cómo se cazan.
Asombrado, el tipo se le queda viendo al padre y luego al niño aclarándole:
No, niño, los tejones no son pendejos, ellos no se casan, nomás se cogen.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alberta!
Alberta who!
Albertall be over in a minute!
Whats the new game theyre playing in the White House?
Swallow the Leader.
I can tell youre lying. Your lips are moving.
If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is usually right.
Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.
Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must pick between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before.
Change is inevidable – except from vending machines.
Dont sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.
A fool and his money will soon be partying.
Money cant buy love – but it can rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least its a scenic route.
Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize…
Everyone repeat after me…we are all individuals…
Death to all fanatics!!
Dont be sexist – chicks hate that!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks…
Hard work pays off later – laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasles dont get sucked in jet engines
Borrow money from pessimists – they dont expect it back.
If at first you dont succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.
Vito and Vladimir
There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.
Vladimir: Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women? Vito: Well, Ill tell ya! But its a secret . . just between you and me. I dont want my system to become too public.
Vladimir : OK. Its a deal.
Vito: You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around.
Vladimir : Thats it? I can do that.
The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . .and men began to notice him. Its working, he thought. But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.
He rushed over to Vito and asked Vito, whats the problem? Why isnt it working?
Vito: Because youre supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!
… a man doesnt know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
Q. Why dont blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.
Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what? What, my dear? she asked gently. I think you bring me bad luck.