Old and New Jokes

YES, IM A BAD AMERICAN
by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am George Carlin, a BAD American.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican.

Im in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesnt make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesnt give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you havent begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I dont hate the rich. I dont pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I dont waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when Im freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

Ive never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didnt wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I havent burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, Shut The Hell Up Already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if youre running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if youre breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I dont want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing i

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago.

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified husband, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not going to… to… cut it off, are you?

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye said, No, You are!!! Im going to set the garage on fire.

Dicen que Dios creó al burro y le dijo:

Serás burro, trabajarás de sol a sol, cargarás sobre tu lomo lo que te pongan, y vivirás 30 años.

Señor, seré y haré lo que tú quieras, pero… ¡30 años es mucho tiempo! ¿Por qué no mejor 10 años?, demanda el burro.

Y Dios complació al burro.

Después, Dios creó al perro y le dijo:

Serás perro, cuidarás de la casa de los hombres, comerás lo que te den, y vivirás 25 años.

Señor, seré y haré lo que me pidas, pero… ¡25 años es mucho tiempo! ¿Por qué no mejor 10 años?, solicita el perro.

Y Dios complació al perro.

Luego Dios creó al mono y le dijo:

Serás mono, saltarás de árbol en árbol, harás payasadas para divertir a los demás, y vivirás 15 años.

Señor, seré y haré todo lo que me pidas, pero… ¡15 años es mucho tiempo! ¿Por qué no mejor 10 años?, suplica el mono.

Y Dios complació al mono.

Y finalmente, Dios creó al hombre y le dijo:

Serás hombre, el animal más inteligente de la Tierra. Dominarás el mundo y vivirás 30 años.

Señor, seré todo lo que me pidas, pero… ¡30 años es poco tiempo! ¿Por qué no me das los 20 que no quiso el burro, los 15 que no quiso el perro, y los 5 que no quiso el mono?.

Y Dios complació al hombre.

Y así es que el hombre vive 30 años como hombre. Luego se casa y vive 20 como un burro, trabajando de sol a sol y cargando sobre su espalda el peso de la familia. Luego se jubila y vive 15 años como un perro, cuidando la casa y comiendo lo que le dan, y los últimos 5 años de su vida los vive como un mono, saltando de casa en casa de los hijos, y haciendo payasadas para divertir a los nietos.

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

See if they can do it again.



For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say its not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Tell them its a feature

Say its not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. Well, one day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.



He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.





Calling her in, he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?





The secretary, who was quite witty replied, Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

There was a pickel ,a taco and a Dick,one day they were fightinng because they did not know who was the worst of all.So the pickel said,shit guys ive been in a jar for more than 300 years.Then they said,aaaaa thats nothin.The taco said,Mine sucks cause i dont even live for on second.they get the tomato,the cheese and the salt, and put it all over and suddenly they eat me to death ahhhhhh help…..Forget both of you. The Dick said, every single night they grab me and put a bag over and make me do push ups until i throw up.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, Those are called condoms, son…. Men use them to have safe sex.

Oh I see, replied the boys pensively. Yes, Ive heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, Why are there 3 in this package.

The dad replies, Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

Cool! says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, Then who are these for? Those are for college men. the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

WOW! exclaimed the boy, then who uses THESE? he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……..