Old and New Jokes

1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

4. JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her youll marry her and never get head again.

5. POLISH WOMAN:

First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isnt home.
She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: Shes pregnant. Shes not sure if its hers.

6. CHINESE WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You dont even get to the third date and you have already realized
nothing is going to happen.

7. INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

8. BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: Shes pregnant by someone other than you.

9. LATIN WOMAN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sisters boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportations driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He cant see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, Guns dont kill people. I do. >

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: Id probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave hello if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?

A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Maam,” said the cop, “Im not going to ticket you, butI do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”“Oh, Ill let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home,” responded the Amish lady.“Thats fine. Another thing, maam. I dont like the way that one rein loops across the horses back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!” instructed the cop.Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

“Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” asked Jacob.“He said the reflector is broken,” replied the lady.“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?” wondered Jacob.“Im not sure, Jacob… something about the emergency brake,” said the lady.

It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done.

It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.

Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guys yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed…

Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkeys on fire!

Yo mama has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four–One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.

Un chofer que ha manejado muchas horas decide parar al costado del camino para dormir un poco. Apenas ha cerrado los ojos, un corredor que pasa por ahí le golpea la ventana para preguntarle la hora. El tipo abre y todavía somnoliento le dice: Son las 6, cierra la ventana y se vuelve a quedar dormido.

De inmediato le vuelven a tocar, ahora un paletero. ¿Qué quiere? ¿Quiero saber qué hora es? Son las 6:05.

El tipo se vuelve a dormir y ahora una señora le vuelve a tocar la ventanilla: Disculpe que lo moleste, ¿podría darme la hora? ¡SON LAS 6:10!

El tipo coje un plumón y en un cartón escribe: NO TENGO LA HORA, lo pega en la ventanilla y se dispone a dormir tranquilo. Apenas estaba cerrando los ojos cuando alguien le toca de nuevo…

¿Y ahora usted qué quiere?, pregunta furioso.

Nada señor, sólo quería decirle que son las 7 con 15 minutos…

*** NOTE: This joke may be offensive to some.

STOP HERE if you are offended by religious jokes. ***

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.



He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, Where is Jesus today?



Steven raised his hand and said, Hes in heaven.

Mary was called on and answered, Hes in my heart.



Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out –

I know! I know! Hes in our bathroom!!!



The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.



And Little Johnny said, Well…every morning, my father gets up,

bangs on the bathroom door, and yells –

Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?!

Knock Knock



Whos there





See





See who





I See you pee!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maxwell!
Maxwell who?
Maxwell call later if your not going to answer!