Old and New Jokes

Signs Youve Eaten Too Much

As presented on the 11/29/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net
9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams
8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps
7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker
6. Strangers keep addressing you as Mr. President
5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read Good Lord!
4. You now have an ass the size of Plymouth Rock
3. People keep looking at you and saying, I thought the Macys Parade was over
2. Your relatives cant go home because theyre stuck in your gravitational field.
1. Youre sweatin gravy, my friend!

Bill and Derek are out walking their dogs. Bill has a German shepherd, while Derek is trailing with his Chihuahua. Theyve been out for a while and Bill suggests stopping in at cafe for some coffee.

We cant go in there with the dogs, replies Derek.

Sure we can, says Bill. Just follow my lead.

Bill puts on his sunglasses and walks into Starbucks. A barrista stops him and says, Sir, you cant bring a dog in here.

This is my seeing-eye dog, says Bill, and the barrista lets him in.

Derek watches this exchange, shrugs and puts on his sunglasses. The same barrista meets him as soon as he gets in the door. Sir, you cant bring a dog in here.

This is my seeing-eye dog, says Derek.

Skeptically, the barrista says, Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua?

They gave me a CHIHUAHUA?!

A: Under 17 not admitted!

A Priest, a Nun, and a Camel are crossing the desert.

The camel falls dead.

Before I die the father says, I would like to see a woman naked. So the nun takes off all her clothes.

She then says, before I die i would like to see a man naked. So the father takes off his clothes. She looks at his penis and says, My God!! What is that for?

He says You stick it in a hole and it brings forth life.

The nun replies, Then how about you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!

Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one, See that camel over there? Ill bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.

The other guy says No way.

The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camels legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.

A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy, I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no.

The second guy says, You got me last time, but theres no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no.

The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, Remember what I did last time?. (Camel nods). Want me to do it again?

this guys in the rear of a full hotel elevator and he shouts ballroom please.
A lady standing in front of him turns and says im sorry, i didnt realize i was crowding you.

A signboard on a halwai shop reads: “Credit only to those above 85 if accompanied by both parents.”

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had

been stolen.



He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.



WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS? he yelled with surprising forcefulness.



No one answered.



ALRIGHT, IM GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AINT BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, IM GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DONT LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!



Some of the locals shifted restlessly.



He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.



The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?



The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.

What did the blonde chicks left leg say to her right leg?

Long time, no see!

Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Pepsi. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friends glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

Only one calorie per can, she read aloud.

Hmm, murmured the other blonde.

I wonder which glass has the calorie?