28
Feb

The Blonde Driver

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

Maam, is there a reason that youre weaving all over the road?
The woman replied, Oh officer, thank goodness youre here!
I almost had an accident!
I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.
I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.
I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, –
Maam… thats your air freshener!

28
Feb

thanksgiving

Where do black people go for thanksgiving? Nowhere, KFC is closed.

28
Feb

New husband

A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her. On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good. So, she decided she was tired of him and got a divorce.

A couple days after the divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: WANTED. Husband that wont beat me or kick me. Good sex a must.

A week or so passed and she finally gets a knock at the door. She goes to answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband.

Well, you dont have any arms. she notices. I cant beat you then, can I? he replies.

And you dont have any legs! SO! That only means I cant kick you.

She pauses for a moment and then asks, Well what about the sex? He answers confidently,

How do you think I knocked on the door.

28
Feb

75 Years

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well preserved he appeared.I will tell you the secret of my success, he cackled. My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk. he explained.Gentlemen, he said, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.

28
Feb

Tax Facts

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.



There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.



Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.



The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.



Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.



American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.



The burden of compliance is the equivalent to a staff of 3 million people working full time for a year, just to comply with the taxes on individuals and businesses.



The IRS employs 114,000 people; thats twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.



60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.



Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average familys income; thats more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.



AND THAT IS ONLY THE FEDERAL TAX—NOT COUNTING STATE, LOCAL, PROPERTY, SALES TAX, ETC.


28
Feb

Blonde bomber

Did you hear about the dead blonde terrorists?

They died faxing a letter bomb.

I hope you enjoy this Humor list as much as I do. Of course I once was a blonde. Sara

28
Feb

Reply to Spam

Dear:

[ ] Clueless Newbie
[ ] Loser
[ ] indy.netter
[ ] Me tooer
[ ] Pervert
[ ] Geek
[ ] Spammer
[ ] Nerd
[ ] Elvis
[ ] Fed
[ ] Freak
[ ] FLAMENET
[ ] AOLer/Euronetter/PIer/MSNetter
[ ] Other: Unbearably self-righteous person

You Are Being Flamed Because:

[ ] You posted a message in a newsgroup other than your topic
[ ] You posted a binary in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
[ ] You posted a binary in a non-binaries group
[ ] You posted a Chain Letter
[ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ] You started an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a YOU ALL SUCK message
[ ] You said me too to something or Send ______
[ ] You dont know which group to post in
[ ] You suck
[ ] You brag about things that never happened
[ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ] You posted a (phone-sex or a make money fast) ad
[ ] You posted something totally uninteresting
[ ] You crossposted
[ ] You posted a message all written in CAPS
[ ] You posted racist shit
[ ] I dont like your tone of voice
[ ] I think you might be a member of CO$
[ ] I think you might be a fed
[ ] You advertised me something not available in the UK
[ ] You junkmailed me

To Repent, You Must:

[ ] Give up your AOL/Euronet/MSN/Planet Internet account
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Read the f****** FAQ
[ ] Be Pat Buchanans love slave
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Apologize to everybody in this newsgroup
[ ] Post your tests to alt.test/misc.test

In Closing, Id Like to Say:

[ ] Blow me
[ ] Bite me
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] I pity your cat
[ ] I pity you
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] I think your IQ must be 7
[ ] Take your s*** somewhere else
[ ] Learn to post or f*** off
[ ] Do us all a favor and jump into some industrial equipment
[ ] See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet
[ ] All of the above

28
Feb

Best form of Birth Control

What is the best form of Birth Control

Answer: Marriage

28
Feb

Folk lore, circa 1500 …

Next time youre washing your hands and the water temperature isnt justhow you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children – last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Dont throw the baby out with the bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs – thick straw – piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof-hence the saying Its raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. Thats how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying dirt poor.

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway, hence, a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite awhile. Hence the rhyme, peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get trench mouth.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And thats the truth … (whoever said that History was boring?)

28
Feb

Abstinence

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The Pastor said, We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The Pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The old man replied, No problem at all, Pastor. Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the Pastor.

The Pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The man replied, The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it. Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the Pastor.

The Pastor went to the newlywed couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks? No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks, the young man replied sadly. What Happened? inquired the Pastor. My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there. You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church, stated the Pastor. We know, said the young man, Were not welcome at the SuperSaver anymore either.