Old and New Jokes

How is a computer like Britney Spears?Theyre both cheap, white, and plastic.

You might be a redneck if…
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

A bus stops to let on a passenger. This attractive lady steps onto the bus and puts her right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers without saying a word. The bus driver puts his right thumb to his nose and his left thumb to the palm of his right hand and wiggles all eight of his fingers. The woman then looks a bit confused and in silence grabs her boobs! The bus driver in a growing lack of patience grabs his balls, the woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts off the bus!!

A frequent passenger who sits at the front of the bus looks to the driver, and says, Tom, Ive been riding your bus for quite a few years now and Ive never seen anything as vulgar as this! Im going to have to ride a different route!

Tom, the driver looks to the woman sitting in the front seat and replies, You are mistaken, that woman was deaf. She asked me if this bus was headed for 5th. street, I said, no, 10th street. She asked if it went to the Dairy Mart, I told her that it went to the ball park and she said, shit, Im on the wrong bus and left.

You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.

Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.

Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.

Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Theyre all far too busy crossing the road.

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, You arent so good in bed either! and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?

I was in bed.

What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?

Getting a second opinion.

El director general de un banco se preocupa por un joven director estrella que, después de almorzar, se empieza a ausentar al mediodía. Llama al detective privado del banco y le ordena:

Siga a Alvarado un día entero, no vaya a ser que ande en algo vidrioso.

El investigador cumple con el cometido, vuelve e informa:

Alvarado sale normalmente al mediodía, toma su auto, va a su casa a almorzar, luego le hace el amor a su mujer, se fuma uno de sus excelentes cigarros y vuelve a trabajar.

Ah, bueno, menos mal, no hay nada malo en todo eso.

¿Puedo tutearlo, señor?, pregunta el detective.

¡Sí, cómo no!, responde sorprendido el director.

Repito: Alvarado sale normalmente al mediodía, toma tu auto, va a tu casa a almorzar, luego le hace el amor a tu mujer, se fuma uno de tus excelentes cigarros y vuelve a trabajar.

Santa on Trial



You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:



Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole



Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go



Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Workers Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees



You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year



Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly



Failing to file a flight plan for your travels



Failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting your reindeer with emission control devises Not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you by millions each year



Illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible breaking drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to make his nose light up



And finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and having no record of either a drivers or pilots licence ever being issued to a Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two territories.



Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity, have you any statement to make before I . . . wish you a . . Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?

Far out at sea two irish men were stranded

on a raft. One day the first one found a bottle floating in the ocean, after opening the bottle a genie appeared.



I will give you one wish.the genie bellowed



Without thinking the second man yelled I wish the whole ocean was Guiness beer!.



You idiot,yelled the first man,Now we will have to pee in the boat.