Old and New Jokes

You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.

Warp drive describes the condition of your car.

Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.

Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.

Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clintons inaugural ball.

After looking around, Kirk says: Beam us up, Scotty. Theres no intelligent life down on this one.

Whats the definition of a competitive man?

The one who finishes first and third in the same masturbation contest!

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.



On the bus, one turned to another and said, So, what did you bring? The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the Grandma Moses of Jail.



Then he asked the first, What did you bring?



The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,



I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.



The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, Why are you so smug? What did you bring?



The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said I brought these.



The other two were puzzled and asked – What can you do with those?



He grinned and pointed to the box and said – Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, I sure would like to go to Disneyland. George said, No problem. Ill take you there on Air Force One.

The second kid said, I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordans. George said, Ill get them for you and even have Michael sign them!

The third kid said, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!! George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, But you dont look like you are injured. The kid says, I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!

One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor.He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As hesdriving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the oppositedirection. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take thepenguins to the zoo for me!""Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now Im taking them to the movies!"

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldnt have fit."

A man runs into the vets office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dogs body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dogs body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "Im sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "Im sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.""$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man…."Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, Thats really nice after all of these years youve been married to keep saying those little pet names.

The host said, Well, honestly, Ive forgotten her name.