Old and New Jokes

Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 – One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvanias bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.

Una comisión de mujeres trataba de llegar a un acuerdo acerca de qué es lo mejor para lograr la plenitud sexual. Las opiniones estaban divididas del siguiente modo:

Siempre podés elegir entre un consolador y un hombre, pero éste último te da las siguientes ventajas:

1. Si no llegás al orgasmo tendrás a quien echarle la culpa.

2. Él se encarga de pagar la noche de diversión.

3. Te hace regalos para conseguir una próxima vez.

Aunque hay que reconocer que el consolador también tiene sus ventajas:

1. No te dice cosas que no te creés ni de lejos, para lograr meterse dentro de ti.

2. No le tenés que decir estuvo muy bueno, justo cuando te estabas por echar el cuarto.

3. Una vez que lo usaste no te despierta con los ronquidos.

4. Es diet: endulza pero no engorda.

La comisión se expidió definitivamente en favor del segundo elemento, aunque por cuestiones económicas, conviene tener las dos posibilidades a mano.

Llega un negrito del Choco y observa a su patrona desde un agujero de la puerta, mientras ésta sale totalmente desnuda y se despereza diciendo: Uuuuyy qué modorra…

El negro, admirado de escuchar el amplio léxico de la patrona, se va inmediatamente para donde la negra que era su mujer y repite la escena que vio donde la patrona; mientras tanto la negra va saliendo y lo observa todo desnudo y le grita la negra:

¡Ay José María, vos que haces todo viringote allí!

Y le responde el negro, queriendo imitar a la patrona para llamar la atención de la negra:

¡Uuuuyy, negra, es que tengo una gonorrea…!

Va el león caminando por la selva, cuando de pronto se encuentra con el burro el cual está llorando y leyendo la biblia.

El león al verlo así decide preguntarle:

¿Por qué estás llorando?

Y el burro contesta:

Mira, es que aquí dice: Con la misma vara que mides te van a medir…

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnstons first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

29. Apoligze to your roommate. If he asks why, tell him that he should know better than you.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.Sign seen in London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: Closed for official opening. Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. Sign in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

One day President Bush was visiting Queen Elizabeth and she decided to take him for a tour of London in the Royal Carriage. The carriage was being pulled by six Royal Stallions and one of them suddenly passed gas. It sounded like a 21-gun salute it was so loud! The smell permeated the inside of the carriage and the Queen was totally devastated.I appoligize profusely for the terrible smell inside the carriage, she said. Oh, thats alright, said the George, for a minute there I thought it was the horse!

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? its been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily, Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so!

The wife asks, Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It wont close right.

Fix the fridge door? … Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I dont think so., replies the husband.

Fine, she says, Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? Theyre about to break.

Im not a damn carpenter and I dont want to fix steps, he says. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I dont think so. Ive had enough of you. Im going to the bar!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, Howd all this get fixed?

She said, Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

So what kind of cake did you bake him?, asks the husband.

She replies, Hellooooo … do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I dont think so!