Old and New Jokes

A family with 2 grown up boys would go visit theit grandmother every year for x-mas and the grandma would always make cookies but someone would always eat the cookie dough before she could bake the cookies. so one year she put some bebes in the cookie dough. she would be able to figue out who kept eating the cookie dough. the next morning one of the boys came down and said,grandma, i was brushing my teeth and i puked out bebes! just then the other boy came in and said,grandma, i was jacking off in the barn and i shot a bebe out of my penis and killed a cow!.

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
Hes won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
Mumbled, Oh, puh-leeeez! 295 times during the movie The Net.
Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
His video dating profile lists public-key encryption among turn-ons.
Instead of the Welcome voice on AOL, you overhear, Good Morning, Mr. President.

And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker…
You hear her murmur, Lets see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Dont-Give-As-In-Computer-Science!

Thanx to William.Conway@gdc.com

A: Because they cant spell PORSCHE.

You might be a redneck if…
You haul more than U-Haul.

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
laughed uproariously. Whats the matter? grumbled the boss. Havent you
got a sense of humor?

I dont have to laugh, she said. Im leaving Friday.

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

Im sorry = Youll be sorry.

We need. = I want

Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = Youll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure, go ahead = I dont want you to.

Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron!

Youre . . . so manly = You need a shave and new deodorant.

Youre cretainly attractive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so incovenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = Im going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today youre really not going to like.

Ill be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me Im beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, youre dead

Was that the baby? = Get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

Im not yelling! = es, I am yelling, because I think this is important

Old statisticians never die, they just undergo a transformation.

What do golf and Florida elections have in common? Low score wins.

Joke found on http://www.funny-jokes.net