Knock Knock
Whos there?
Heifer!
Heifer who?
Heifer cow is better than none!
29
Apr
29
Apr
Theres a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,21, 21, 21…
Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says,What are you doing?
The brunette replies,Just counting.
The blonde says,May I join you?
Yes, replies the brunette. So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying,21, 21, 21…
A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit. After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,22, 22, 22…
29
Apr
One day grandpa says to grandma Why dont we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?
So they get to the motel and go into the room.
Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up.
In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed.
She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( its been awhile ).
Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.
Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way.
My God woman he says you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!
29
Apr
Son dos compadres granjeros, y a uno de ellos le iba muy bien con la producción de huevos. Un dia el compadre al que no le iba nada bien le dice a su compadre que le dé el secreto para que sus gallinas den muchos huevos. El compadre le dice que es muy fácil, que a cada gallina le ponga un huevo de plomo y que con eso se soluciona el problema.
Sale el granjero a la ciudad a buscar los famosos huevos de plomo. Después de buscar durante todo el dÃa los huevos de plomo sin encontrarlos el granjero dice ¡Este es el último lugar en el que pregunto! Si no hay, me voy.
En eso fuera de la ferreterÃa está un viejito sentado y el granjero, ya cansado, desde su camioneta le grita, Ey, disculpe señor ¿tiene huevos de plomo?
El señor, disgustado, se empieza a levantar lentamente y le responde, ¡Lo que tengo son reumas, hijo de la chingada!
29
Apr
Now I lay me down to sleep. Please dont send me no more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band.
One good man whos sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesnt lie. Who dresses neat and doesnt smell. And is sexy like my man Denzel. Is super-rich like Michael J. On second thought, thats okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake, That would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, dont let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right I wont go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, Hed probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad I know its just a passing fad. I wont be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, wont comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer.
29
Apr
The corner shop baker was a true artist when it came to making birthday cakes. One customer asked him can you make a birthday cake for my wife, shes an optician? He agreed and produced a birthday cake in the perfect detail of a winking eye.
His next customer said can you make a birthday cake for my husband, hes a dentist. He agreed and produced a cake in the shape of an open mouth, including the teeth and tongue.
At that moment another customer began to leave his shop, when the baker asked can I help you? The lady turned and saidno, I dont think so,its my husband birthday today, but hes a gynaecologist.
29
Apr
Theres this cathedral thats still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a cage elevator inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these cage elevators is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be called to another floor.
One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:
Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!
29
Apr
Female makes the rules.
Rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.
Male cant possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are
not permitted.
If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she
must immediately change some or all of the rules.
Female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did
not say.
Rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the
cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he
did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
Female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
Male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without
the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the
female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See
rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
Female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined,
at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems
appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the
females being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading
reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.
Male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry
or upset.
No circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether
or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
Male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do
so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of
the female.
Female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident
without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish,
of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or
has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or
oafish.
Female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the
ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect,
devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic
pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats,
aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.
The female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is
permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to
logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
Act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or
belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the
female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations,
defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained.
Abject pleas for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances,
especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.
29
Apr
A: Anti-hiss-tamines
29
Apr
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and heres how…
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesnt know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesnt go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesnt go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldnt pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.