Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, Theyre driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and Im half-way to the nut hatch.
What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself, her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
Superb! I cant believe it, Mary said. I get in that pen with a good book and the kids dont bother me one bit!
By the way – Mary is blonde.
Q: Why did the chicken say, Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?
A: He was studying foreign languages
One day, a little boy went to his father daddy, is God male or female? and his father answered Well son, God is both male and female.Then the boy asked Daddy, is God black or white? and his father answered well son, God is both black and white.Then the boy asked Daddy, is God gay or straight? and his father said well son, God is both gay and straight.The boy was quiet for a while and seemed to be thinking. Finally he broke the silence by saying Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?
[Ed: Edited ]
Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving
class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute
emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the
reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked
down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up
with equal velocity.
Hey, you know anything about parachutes? he shouted to her, as they passed
by.
The reply: No… you know anything about Coleman stoves?
A guy goes into a doctors office and sits down in the waiting room. After a few minutes, he hears a series of screams and moans from the examining rooms, followed by a hastily departing nun. Moments later the doctor appears, with an immensely satisfied grin on his face. Man: What on earth happened back there? Doc: I just told Sister Mary she was pregnant. Man: Goodness, is she? Doc: Of course not. Man: Well then, that was an awful thing to say! Doc: On the contrary, it cured her hiccups.
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, We need some four-by-twos.
The clerk said, You mean two-by-fours, dont you?
The man said, Ill go check, and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.
Alright. How long do you need them?
The customer paused for a minute and said, Id better go check. After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, A long time. Were gonna build a house.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but hell break ten bulbs before figuring out that they cant just be pushed in.
Sign in restaurant window: Eat now – Pay waiter.
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question. Ive answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American people are tired of light bulb jokes.
Estando Pepito en la escuela, la maestra comienza a preguntar a los estudiantes qué estaban construyendo cerca de su casa, pero antes les dice a las niñas que cuando le preguntara a Pepito salieran corriendo cuando ella aplaudiera, porque Pepito era muy majadero.
La maestra comienza a preguntarle a los alumnos, A ver Juanito, ¿qué están construyendo cerca de tu casa?
A lo que contesta Juanito un Centro Comercial, maestra
Muy bien, replica la maestra, y como ya les habÃa preguntado a todos los alumnos, le toca el turno a Pepito:
¿Qué estan construyendo cerca de tu casa Pepito?
Y Pepito contesta, Un cabaret maestra.
En eso la maestra empieza a aplaudir y todas las niñas salen corriendo, y Pepito les grita, ¡¡Esperen pinches putas, todavÃa no lo inauguran!!