Old and New Jokes

A good days hunting.

Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the Oval Office and Bill answered.



Hillary said: Do you know what you did you rotten bastard You got me pregnant!!!



Bill remained quiet.



Again, Hillary screamed, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!



Finally Bill answered, Who is this???

Every year the US FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes including Murder/Homicide. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit publishes its Top 20 Homicides of the Year.

Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husbands strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged bout of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 of the vibrator into Alexs anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldnt have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. She was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didnt realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a prompt kick in the chest and then 4 shots from a double barrelled shot gun Carlas (the girlfriend) father had given to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years (yes, 8 years). The landlord Kirk Weston clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her 1-year-old sister who climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her.

Megan Fri, 44 years old, is killed by 14 State troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing the troopers all walking slow down the street Megan had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their target. She just looked like a very real looking target. one of the toppers stated in his report.

Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a Hit Man hired by her ex-boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The Hit Man was promised $500,000 for the task. The Hit Man also killed the boyfriend after he found out that a 16 year old high school student, whose father was in jail for rape, and mother worked as an ironing lady, didnt have access to $500,000.

Louis Zaragoza, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to work. Lee Zaragoza had been plotting to kill him for over a year, and had cut the brakes on his car 4 times previously. On this attempt Lee was just about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her, grabbed her and spun her around. As he did, she lost her footing and stumbled into him, stabbing him in the lower ventricle of the heart, killing him instantly.

Mummod Foli was killed by an unknown member of the Russian Mafia after he accidentally took away the gangsters drink too soon as the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset he forced the waiter to drink over 27 liters of Coca Cola (the drink he had taken away) until Mummod drowned.

Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long. Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

Helena Simms, wife of famous American nuclear scientist,Harold Simms, was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helenas eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of Radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never went to a doctor or hospital for a check up.

Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4) the Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. Several persons, some up to 14 kilometers away, witnessed the explosion. No traces of the car or the victim were ever found, only a crater 55 meters deep and 500 meters of missing road.

Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didnt know that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a Vengeance as inspiration, drugged his boyfriend Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God loves the KKK on the other side. Lewis then drove the victim to down town Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

Jay Newton was killed after a co-worker at Sea World Florida dropped a 20 ton killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted out of his tank by a Master Ton Crane. When the victim swam underneath to inspect the harness his colleague, Brian Hartley released the whale, crushing the victim instantly (and emptying 1/4 of the water from the pool).

Carl Densinter, 34 years old, was killed by a fellow worker trying to prove a point. The worker, San Amote Pet, disconnected the internal landing gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane. The planes gear automatically retracted after take off, but come landing time they wouldnt deploy. The helpless Densinter could not do a thing as the plane ran out of fuel, in an attempt at an emergency landing the 747 exploded. Densinter was killed instantly

Mary Dridely, Joseph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed as they walked past a New York apartment building. David Smee, 7 years old, and his 6 year old sister were left alone in their 27th floor hotel room by their parents as they went to the hotels gaming room. Bored, the kids thought it might be fun to try and squish the ant looking things on the foot path below. They started by throwing fruit, then quickly graduated to chairs, televisions, even the drawers from the bedroom dresser.

Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her Zookeeper boyfriend Matthew Kellaway after she refused sex. He invited her to the zoo to the see the lions feeding. She accepted and he then led her into a room that had a large slide away panel. He explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to watch the lions devour their prey. He ducked out for a quick smoke and locked her in the room. Suddenly the slide away panel opened to reveal many persons starring at her; she was just about to yell and tell them that they were on the wrong side of the glass when she realized that it was she who was on the wrong side. Another panel opened and 3 hungry lions were let into the pen. Gail survived for 2 days in hospital before dying of massive internal injuries.

TOP TEN things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if its truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes…BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina…

Finally find that damned G-spot.

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee? the blonde asked.The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.Oh good! the blonde sighed in relief. Ill have two regular, two black, and two decaf.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Leona!
Leona who?
Leonaly way to go!

Se hunde una embarcación, y un hombre agarrado a un tronco se salva. Flotando, a lo lejos, mira una negra cabellera en el mar y la atrae hacia él. El naufrago descubre que es una mujer viva, la toma del cuello y juntos llegan a una isla desierta.

Al llegar a la isla descubre que se trata de Salma Hayek. Por salvarla y estar en una isla desierta ella se entrega con pasión total. Pasa un año sin que los rescaten y ella empieza a notar que él cada día está más triste, por lo que le cuestiona la razón de su tristeza. El tipo no contestaba, hasta que un día, de tanto insistir la mujer, el hombre la lleva al baúl de ropa que rescataron del naufragio y le dice:

Te voy a pedir que te vistas con este pantalón, esta camisa y sombrero de hombre; además, que te pongas este bigote postizo.

A Salma esto le pareció un tanto extraño, pero como se trataba de la felicidad del hombre que le salvó la vida, aceptó. Para darle un toque final, el hombre le pinta una espesa barba a la Hayek. Después la invita a caminar por la playa; Salma, más extrañada aún, no sabe ni que hacer. En eso, el hombre rompe el silencio y dice:

¡Oye, compadre, ni te imaginas a quien me estoy cogiendo!

Heres a little clarification of corporate lingo.

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.



JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; youll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.



SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:…who still live with their parents and wont mind our internship-level salaries.



CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.



JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.



A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT: We booze it up at company parties.



MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.



SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.



DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.



MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.



COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.



CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).



APPLY IN PERSON: If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.



NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: Weve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest.