Old and New Jokes

Another blonde, another store. . .

She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk:
I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.

Does he use the ball kind? inquired the clerk.

No, replied the blonde, The kind for under his arms.

how do you baby sit a black baby?….
you wet his lips and stick him to a window!

how do you get him off? slide him to the corner!

(im not racest just to let you know)

Nixon:Watergate

Clinton:Waterbed

 

Nixon:His biggest fear – the Cold War

Clinton:His biggest fear – a Cold Sore

 

Nixon:Worried about carpet bombs

Clinton:Worried about carpet burns

 

Nixon:His Vice President was a Greek

Clinton:His Vice President is a geek

 

Nixon:Couldnt stop Kissinger

Clinton:Couldnt stop kissing her

 

Nixon:Couldnt explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape

Clinton:Couldnt explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

 

Nixon:His nickname was Tricky Dick

Clinton:same

 

Nixon:Ex-President

Clinton:Sex-President

 

Nixon:Known for campaign slogan Nixons The One

Clinton:Known for women pointing at him saying, Hes the one!

 

Nixon:Famous for his widows peak

Clinton:Famous for bringing widows to their peak

 

Nixon:Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy

Clinton:Well acquainted with the G Spot

 

Nixon:Took on Ho Chi Minh

Clinton:Took on Ho

 

Nixon:Talked about achieving peace with honor

Clinton:Talked about getting a piece while on her

Best quote from the Bill/Monica scandal is from Dick Armey when asked what he would do in Clintons position: If I were in the Presidents position, I would be looking up from a pool of blood, hearing my wife say How the hell do I reload this thing?

What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween?

Masked potatoes.

A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, How much
to replace this, Ian? The proprietor says, Why, Angus, thatll be four pence.
Then the Scotsman asks, How much to repair? The prop. looks the condom over
carefully, and says, Three pence to repair. The Scotsman ponders for a moment,
then says, Ill be back.

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says,
Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!

–Bilbo Baggins
W25Y@CRNLVAX5

A little boy asked his father Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying.

A lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie. She doesnt know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. She says, Excuse me sir … can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, Maam, Im blind, but if youll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it. She didnt believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, Thats a 6 graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line … Its a good all-around rod and reel, and its $20. She says, Its amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think its what Im looking for, so Ill take it. He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first, shes embarrassed but then realizes that theres no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldnt know she was the only person there. He rings up the sale and says, That will be $25.50. She says, But didnt you say it was $20? He says, Yes maam, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart.

Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their partys political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.

APPLICATION TO LIVE IN WEST VIRGINIA

Name:______________ Nickname:____________ CB Handle:____________

Address: (RFD):_________________________________________________

Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________

Mamma:_______________________________

Neck Shade: [] Light Red [] Medium Red [] Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:______ Lower:________

Name of Pickup Owned:______________ Height of truck:__________

Truck Equipped with:
[] Gun Rack [] 4-Wheel Drive [] Confederate Flag [] Toothpick Holder
[] 8-Track [] Load of Wood [] Hijacker Shocks [] Mud-grip Tires
[] Big Dog [] Racoon Hide [] Dual CB Antenna [] Fuzz Buster
[] Spitoon [] Camper Top [] Mag Wheels [] Air Horns
[] Mud Flaps

Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________

Bumper Stickers:
[] Eat More Possum [] Peanut Butter [] Honk if You Love Jesus
[] Wave if Youre Horny [] Redman Chewing Tobacco

Define the following (Must be 90% correct):
[] Grits [] Muscadine [] Cobbler [] Tater
[] Goobers [] Brogans [] Fatback [] Pig Skins
[] Collards [] Redeye Gravy [] Tote [] Pinto Beans
[] Sidemeat [] Sawmill Gravy [] Poke [] Turnip Salit
[] Chitlins [] Soppin Syrup [] Cracker [] Shit-on-Shingle
[] Ramps

Favorite Vocalist:
[] Donna Fargo [] Conway Twitty [] Loretta Lynn [] Hank Williams
[] Elvis [] Slim Whitman [] Tammy Wynette [] Porter Wagoner
[] Johnny Cash [] Willie Nelson [] George Jones [] Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:
[] Square Dancin [] Possum Huntin [] Skinny Dippin
[] Craw Daddin [] Gospel Singin [] 4-Wheelin
[] Drankin [] Bull Chip Throwin [] Blue Grass Conventions
[] Spitten backy [] Other

Weapons Owned:
[] Deer Rifle [] Bird Gun [] Varmit Rifle [] Sawed-off Shotgun
[] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle [] Log Chain [] Power (chain) saw

Number of Hound Dogs:___ Type: [] Blue Tick [] Black & Tan [] Beagle

Emblem: [] John Deere [] CAT [] Budweiser [] McCullock Chain Saw
[] PBR [] NAPA [] Coors [] Skoals

Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____
Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____

Number of Dependents (Legal):______ (Claimed):______

Memberships:
[] KKK [] NRA [] Moose [] PTL Club [] VFW [] American Legion
[] Bass Club [] United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy

Length of Left Leg:______ Length of Right Leg:______

Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color,
Primer Red?______

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______

How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your front
porch?______

Will you be a part of the West Virginia Intelligentsia with a measurable
IQ?______

Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______

Do you own any shoes, if so how many? ______
What year did you last purchase shoes? ______

Are you married to any of the following?
[] Sister [] Cousin [] Sow Do you know her name? ______

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______

Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ______
To 21 with your fly up? ______

Medical Information:
Do you have at least 2 of the following:
[] BO [] Crabs [] Head Lice [] Bad Breath
[] Scabies [] Trench Mouth [] Runny Nose

Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______

Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______

After three cups of coffee I cant stop singing that Bonanza song (this part, sadly, has really happened)
Elvis just delivered the morning paper
My paper is 23 pages of All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy.
I have to go to bed so I can be rested when I get up in 20 minutes
What good is an edjucations, anyway
Did I write that?
Hmm… Europe would be nice this time of year
Ive failed myself as a journalist because I dont like Edward Murrow. I might as well quit while Im ahead
Then again, I at least I dont look like Ed Murrow
Where is Europe?