Two blondes are walking along a river, one on each side. The first yells across the river to the other, Hey, How do you get to the other side? The second yells back to the first, You ARE on the other side!
28
Nov
28
Nov
One day in Language Arts class the children were called to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Little Johnny raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words: Defeat, Defense, Deduct, and Detail. Little Johnny stood, thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.
28
Nov
First Convict: I heard the Wardens daughter up and married a guy down on Cellblock D. The Wardens mighty upset about it too.
Second Convict: Why? Because she married a con?
First Convict: No. Because they eloped!
28
Nov
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.A man was walking by and said, WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!
The sister said, Sir, you shouldnt use Gods name in vain. The man said, But thats the SPECIES of the fish — a Gauddam Fish. The sister said, Oh, ok.
The Sister took the fish back home and said, Mother Superior,
look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.
Shocked, the Mother Superior said, Sister, you know better than that.
The nun said, Thats the species of it — a Gauddam Fish.
So the Mother Superior said, Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and Ill clean it.
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother
Superior said, Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister
caught.
Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, Mother Superior, you shouldnt talk like that!
Mother Superior said, But thats the species of it — a Gauddam Fish. Monsignor said, Well give me the Gauddam Fish and Ill cook it.
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he
said, Wow, what a nice fish. In reply, the sister said, Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.
And Mother Superior said, I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.
And Monsignor said, I cooked the Gauddam Fish.
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said…
I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!
27
Nov
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isnt broken. Lets try it again.
27
Nov
MarÃa es una chica devota y religiosa. Se casa y tiene 17 hijos. Su marido muere; ella se vuelve a casar dos semanas después, y tiene 22 hijos con su nuevo marido. Entonces el segundo marido muere y un poco después ella lo sigue.
En el fueneral de MarÃa, el cura mira al cielo y dice, Al fin se juntaron.
Un tipo que estaba sentado en las primeras filas dice, Disculpe padre, pero ¿quiere usted decir que al fin se juntaron ella y su PRIMER marido, o ella y su SEGUNDO marido?
El sacerdote le contesta, Quiero decir sus PIERNAS.
27
Nov
Un individuo burlón y majadero llega a la iglesia; se dirige al bondadoso y anciano sacerdote y, con tono de reto, dice:
Lo que afirma el Génesis es una vil mentira, padre. No pretenderá usted que yo crea que todos los hombres del mundo somos hijos de Eva.
Naturalmente que no, hijo mÃo. Y tienes razón: la historia que narra el Génesis esta incompleta. Lo que realmente sucedió es que el Señor, antes de hacer a Eva, hizo a otra mujer. Pero el barro con el que la formó estaba manchado y, al cocerlo, esa primera mujer salió tiznada. Entonces, se le ocurrió a Dios otra idea: en vez de hacer a Eva de barro, la sacó de una costilla del hombre. Por eso existen dos clases de hombres: yo soy un hijo de Eva y tú un hijo de la tiznada.
27
Nov
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, What is that you just served?
The waiter replied, Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, What the heck, Im on acation down here! Bring me an order!
The waiter replied, I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.
27
Nov
Running out of toothpaste
getting deodorant in your eyes
getting drunk and trying to chug a lava lamp
poorly done tattoos
gasps of amazement
puking so hard you break blood vessels in your face
white pants or shorts
hats that make your head sweat and itch
cordless phones that randomly hang up on people
heart shaped pancakes
having to reuse snotty tissues
torn shirts
striped ties
loud vaccums that dont suck at all
the word moustache
poorly designed furniture
sham celebrations
purple coats
sacrifical lambs
oversized earrings
pink staplers
bras that are impossible to get off
feng shui
rusty spikes in your bed
waking up in your own shit
Sheep stomachs used as hats
Your phone rings and before you get it, it stops.
flutes
creatures that are half man and half fawn who bounce around calling you Lucy
pimples on the palms of your hands
having to bathe in dirty water that was used to wash dogs three weeks ago
the sound of your walkman slowing down the tape youre listening to
dead people whispering at you in the night
burrowing elks who ruin your basement
dreaming that you get shot just before meeting Mike Patton
trying to touch the sky and falling down
barking dogs outside your place that bark all damn day long and then start barking at each other,
then bark at the trees, then cars, then kids, and then each other again.
open houses during the rainy season
hair gel that drips from the ceiling
dirty sinks
being cremated when you were just sleeping
having your mom wake you and you fell asleep nude, surrounded in porno magazines
and pictures of the golden girls from tv.
running out of dishes and being forced to finally do them
monkey brain bits in your sandwich
being told that thats just the way life is
lilies
27
Nov
If you do not care where you are, then you arent lost.