A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, I wish you guys could get your act together.
Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!
My friend is so stupid: He sent me a fax with a stamp on it. He thought a quarterback was a refund. He tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order. He thought General Motors was in the army. He thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. He tripped over a cordless phone. Wrote Taurus where it said sign here. He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial – it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
[Thanks to Steve Kilbride]
There was a man at a gas station, pumping gas into his truck. While
pumping he got gas on his arm. He wiped some of it off, then forgot
about it. He paid for his gas and got in the truck.
As he was driving down the road, he lit up a cigarette, and the gas
on his arm caught on fire. He rolled down the window and was waving
his arm about, when he was pulled over by the cops.
The officer charged him for improper use of firearms.
Give him a Comapq or an HP.
YES, IM A BAD AMERICAN
by George Carlin
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am George Carlin, a BAD American.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican.
Im in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I think owning a gun doesnt make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesnt give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you havent begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.
I dont hate the rich. I dont pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I dont waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when Im freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?
Ive never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didnt wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I havent burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, Shut The Hell Up Already.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if youre running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if youre breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I dont want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I dislike those people standing i
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.
Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago.
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The terrified husband, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not going to… to… cut it off, are you?
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye said, No, You are!!! Im going to set the garage on fire.