Old and New Jokes

Dicen que Dios creó al burro y le dijo:

Serás burro, trabajarás de sol a sol, cargarás sobre tu lomo lo que te pongan, y vivirás 30 años.

Señor, seré y haré lo que tú quieras, pero… ¡30 años es mucho tiempo! ¿Por qué no mejor 10 años?, demanda el burro.

Y Dios complació al burro.

Después, Dios creó al perro y le dijo:

Serás perro, cuidarás de la casa de los hombres, comerás lo que te den, y vivirás 25 años.

Señor, seré y haré lo que me pidas, pero… ¡25 años es mucho tiempo! ¿Por qué no mejor 10 años?, solicita el perro.

Y Dios complació al perro.

Luego Dios creó al mono y le dijo:

Serás mono, saltarás de árbol en árbol, harás payasadas para divertir a los demás, y vivirás 15 años.

Señor, seré y haré todo lo que me pidas, pero… ¡15 años es mucho tiempo! ¿Por qué no mejor 10 años?, suplica el mono.

Y Dios complació al mono.

Y finalmente, Dios creó al hombre y le dijo:

Serás hombre, el animal más inteligente de la Tierra. Dominarás el mundo y vivirás 30 años.

Señor, seré todo lo que me pidas, pero… ¡30 años es poco tiempo! ¿Por qué no me das los 20 que no quiso el burro, los 15 que no quiso el perro, y los 5 que no quiso el mono?.

Y Dios complació al hombre.

Y así es que el hombre vive 30 años como hombre. Luego se casa y vive 20 como un burro, trabajando de sol a sol y cargando sobre su espalda el peso de la familia. Luego se jubila y vive 15 años como un perro, cuidando la casa y comiendo lo que le dan, y los últimos 5 años de su vida los vive como un mono, saltando de casa en casa de los hijos, y haciendo payasadas para divertir a los nietos.

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

See if they can do it again.



For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say its not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.



For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Tell them its a feature

Say its not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. Well, one day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.



He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.





Calling her in, he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?





The secretary, who was quite witty replied, Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

There was a pickel ,a taco and a Dick,one day they were fightinng because they did not know who was the worst of all.So the pickel said,shit guys ive been in a jar for more than 300 years.Then they said,aaaaa thats nothin.The taco said,Mine sucks cause i dont even live for on second.they get the tomato,the cheese and the salt, and put it all over and suddenly they eat me to death ahhhhhh help…..Forget both of you. The Dick said, every single night they grab me and put a bag over and make me do push ups until i throw up.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, Those are called condoms, son…. Men use them to have safe sex.

Oh I see, replied the boys pensively. Yes, Ive heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, Why are there 3 in this package.

The dad replies, Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

Cool! says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, Then who are these for? Those are for college men. the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

WOW! exclaimed the boy, then who uses THESE? he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……..

Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.

Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summers day?
A: Im bacon!

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the
word fuck. It is one magical word! Just by its sound you can discribe pain,
displeasure, love and hate. In language fuck falls into many grammatical
categories, it can be used as a verb both intransactive (Dave fucked Anne) and
transitive (Dave was fucked by Anne). As an adverb (Anne is a good fuck) and
also as an adjective (Anne is fucking beautiful). As you can see, there are not
many words with the versatility of fuck. Beside the sexual meaning of the
word, there are also the following:

Goodbye
Fuck off.

Greetings
How the fuck are you?

Fraud
I got fucked at the car auction.

Business
I hate this fucking job.

Chronology
Its Five-Fucking-Thirty!

Denial
I didnt fucking do it.

Dismay
Oh fuck it.

Suspicion
Who the fuck are you?

Confusion
What the fuck…?

Trouble
Well, I guess Im fucked now.

Apathy
Who gives a fuck anyway?

Aggression
Fuck you!

Difficulty
I dont understand the fucking job.

Directions
Fuck off.

Displeasure
What the fuck is going on here?

Incompetence
He fucks up everything.

Lost
Where the fuck are we?

Relation
Up your fucking arse.

Oedipal
Motherfucker.

Famous Last Words Involving the Word Fuck

General Custer
Where the fuck did all those Indians come from?!

Mayor of Nagasaki
What the fuck was that?!

Captain of the Titanic
Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!

Where is all this fucking water coming from?!

Captain of the space shuttle Challenger
Put that fucking fag out!

Anne Boleyn
Whats a fuck?

Julius Caesar
Fuck tu, Brute!

Casanova
Boy, am I fucked!

Joan of Arc
Fuck me, its hot!

Captain of the Marie Celeste
Where the fuck is everyone?

Captain of The Herald of Free Enterprise
Fuck off, Im fishing!

Director of Chernobyl nuclear reactor plant
Oh fuck!

Emperor Nero
Wheres all that fucking smoke coming from?

Mayor of London, 1665
Oooh, fuck, a rat!

Baker, London, 1666
Fuck, I left the gas on…

Scott of The Antarctic
Fuck, is this cold!

Managing Director, Union Carbide plant, India
Fuck! What is that smell?

Witch doctor, village, kracatoa
Well, dont fucking blame me!

Henry VIII
Fuck? Of course, my dear…

Thomas a Becket
Where the fuck did you two spring from?

King Kong
Fuck, its a long way down!

Goliath
Fuck off shortarse!

Pharaoh, in pursuit of Moses and the Jews
Fuck the bridge, well take the shortcut!

Oedipus to his wife
Fuck Love, if mom could see me now…

Jaws
Fuck me, this tastes orrible!

Commander, Light Brigade
Who the fuck gave him the bugle?!

Harold of England (1066)
Fuck the French, they cant aim!

President Carter
No chance! He cant even fucking act!

John Lennon
Thats not a fucking real gun.

President Nixon
Whos going to fucking know?

Albert Einstein
Any fucking idiot could understand that.

Mayor of Hiroshima
What the fuck was that?

Picasso
It fucking does so look like her.

Pythagoras
How the fuck did you work that out?

Michelangelo
You want what on the fucking ceiling?

Walt Disney
Fuck a duck.

Noah
Scattered showers my fucking ass!

E.T.
Pick up the fuckin phone!

Spock
Fuck Logic!

Darth Vader
I cant breathe in this fucking thing!

Ghandi!
Fuck Im hungry!

Yoda
Do or do not, there is no fuckin try!

The Pope is doing a crossword. After a few minutes the Pope exclaims to the man A female; four letters; blank, u, n, t.
Desperate not to offend the Pope, the man wracks his brain and a couple of minutes later, replies Aunt.
To which the Pope responds Oh yes, of course. Do you have any white out?

This is an actual jobapplication someone submitted at a fast-food establishment… NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than Im worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.