Old and New Jokes

Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on? A: Because it said, Sorry, try again.

Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are far too busy hacking.

A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,

Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. Ive never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny… keep me potent.

The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says,
If you take this, youll go mental for 12 hours.

Very happy and excited, the man says, Gimme three boxes.

The next day the man walks into the same chemists shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the mans cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.

The chemist replies, Deep Heat? Youre not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?

The man says, No, its for my arms. The girls didnt show up.

Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.



Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.



It read – We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!

Two aliens landed on a farm. The farmer and his wife took the aliens in and showed them their way of life and everything. One day the farmer and his wife get to talking. The farmer asks his wife, I wonder what the aliens do for sex? The farmers wife replied, I dont know. Do you want to find out? The farmer agrees.

So, that night, the farmer took the female alien up to one room while his wife took the male alien up to another room. As the wife was getting into bed, she looked down at the aliens pecker and starts laughing. Youve got to be kidding me! she laughed.

The alien told her to wait for a moment. Then he slapped his cheeks and pulled his ears and the thing grew to a very impressive size. The next day, the farmer asks his wife, So, how was your night? She replied, Oh, it was wonderful. It was the best night of my life! How was yours? Well, not so good, replied the farmer, all she kept doing all night was slapping my cheeks and pulling my ears.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used this line in an ad slogan MS, its not a software company … exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause.

Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft, which doesnt relish the association of ideas but is painfully aware that it cant afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.

Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble telling the two MSs apart One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task.

The other is a disease.

[Thanks to DZ]

Two Vietnamese refugees have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. Odd, her companion replies, but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.Nodding emphatically, one of the refugees points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. Two dogs, please, she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, What part did you get?

Dont use no double negatives
Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents
Join clauses good, like a conjunction should
About them sentence fragments.
When dangling, watch your participles
Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
Just between you and I, case is important.
Dont write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
Dont use commas, which arent necessary.
Try to not ever split infinitives.
It is important to use your apostrophes correctly.
Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
Correct speling is essential

Curators at Indias Baroda Museum reportedirreparable damage to a priceless 3,000-year-old mummy, done by an overzealous cleaningperson who apparently opened the mummys case and vacuumed the body. The vacuum removedancient dust, peeled toe paint, sucked off part of the nose, and loosened bandages. An anti-logging protester from radical EarthFirst! was killed near Fortuna, CA, when one of the trees fell on him. In an unconfirmed report, a spokesperson for theItalian Gattinoni fashion house announced Monica Lewinsky has agreed to model a bluetwo-piece suit there during an October “Roma Outsize” fashion show in Milan. Shellsupposedly get $470,000, half of which will go to charity…. Gattinoni recently unveiled a flesh-colored skin-tight “condom dress” decorated withViagra pills. Saturday in Beaumont TX a 20-minute halftimebrawl erupted between the Southern University and Prairie View A&M marching bands asthe formations passed each other. Three people were taken to the hospital, four $5,000tubas were bent, and one saxophone plus several pieces of uniform were reported missing. Avon is finally eschewing its all-door-to-door selling strategy and starting retail discount outlets. Octobers National Geographic will be the magazines first with a scent strip. Its a scientific recreation of Cleopatras perfume.