Old and New Jokes

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reliable means: Frumpy

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light

Microchip – Whats left in the bag when the normal chips are gone

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joes curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?” The man replied, “Theres a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin good, Im headin home!”

Un trailero iba escuchando la radio en su trailer, cuando escucha: Interrumpimos este programa para darles una noticia muy importante. Se han visto seres extraterrestres sobrevolando esta zona. A continuación les damos sus características: son chaparros, van arrastrando las manos en el suelo, tienen las rodillas pegadas al pecho, tienen los ojos saltones y hablan muy lento.

El trailero sigue conduciendo hasta que ve algo a un lado del camino, que se parece a la descripción que acaba de oir y se detiene, se baja y empieza a hablar muy lentamente, Hola soy trailero y estoy manejando.

Entonces el otro le contesta, también muy lentamente, Hola, soy Juanito y estoy cagando.

Un día en la escuela la maestra le dice a los alumnos:

A ver niños, hagamos composiciones con las palabras. Tu, Juanito, dime una palabra con la letra D.

Diente, maestra.

Ok. Ahora, una composición.

En dientes duros no entan caries.

Perfecto, Juanito.

A ver tu Jaimito; dime una palabra con la letra E.

Jaimito piensa y piensa.

Envergadura, maestra.

Ok, Jaimito, ahora la composición.

¡En verga dura no entran dientes!

Debido a ciertos problemillas, un medico le receta a una mujer testosterona. La mujer vuelve al cabo de unas semanas.

Doctor, doctor, estoy preocupada por los efectos secundarios que me está produciendo la testosterona.

¿Qué efectos, concretamente?

Pues, para empezar, me está creciendo bastante el pelo en sitios donde nunca antes me había salido.

Eso es un efecto perfectamente normal y pasajero de la testosterona. Pero, concrete, ¿dónde, exactamente, le ha salido este pelo?

En los testículos…

Ten reasons why beer is better than religion:





1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.



2. Beer doesnt try to ruin your sex life.



3. Wars are not fought over beer.



4. They dont force beer on minors who cant think for themselves.



5. When you have a beer, you dont knock on other peoples doors trying to give it away.



6. Nobodys ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer.



7. You dont have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.



8. There are laws saying beer labels cant lie to you.



9. You can prove you have a beer.



10. If you become addicted to beer, there are groups to help you escape.

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A. Megasoreass

One day a Scottish guy and his girlfreind were walking when the Scottish guy says, You want to hold my hand, dont you?

The girlfriend replies, How can you possibly know that?, and the guy goes, The twinkle in your eye.

So, they hold hands for a bit, but a little while later the guy goes, You want to kiss me, dont you? and she goes, How can you possibly know that?, to which he replies, The twinkle in your eye. Sure enough, he is given a kiss by the lass.

Finally, the date is over, and the girl says you want to make love to me, dont you?

He says, How can you possibly know that? Is it the twinkle in my eye?

She says, No, its the tilt in your kilt.

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he cant hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, I, then at his knee, meaning, need, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, handsaw.

The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.

The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!

The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.