Old and New Jokes

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut: The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find: The Los Angeles Times, November 2

Light meals are lower in fat, calories: Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol ads promote drinking: The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls try to attract shoppers: The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only rain will cure drought: The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

It ended in a tie!

The 1st guy walks into a hotel and wants a room, but it is haunted the guy is sleeping when he hears,Dont eat the peanut butter sandwich. He runs away. the 2nd guy gets the same room and hears the same thing and runs away. the 3d guy eats the sandwich and hears, I told you once I told you twice I wiped my butt with the peanut butter slice!

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A: A slot machine.

Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Architects do it late.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Bayseians probably do it.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
C++ programmers do it with class.
C++ programmers do it with private members and public objects.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chess players mate better.
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Computer Operators do it upon mount requests.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Economists do it with indifference.
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Engineers do it with precision.
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find em hot, and leave em wet!
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with intensity.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs
Lisp programmers have to stop and collect garbage.
Magicians do it with mirrors.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Metallurgists are screwnedge.
Moonies do it within sects.
Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently!
Nuns do it out of habit.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Physicists do it at two places in the universe at one time.
Physicists do it like Einstein.
Physicists do it with charm.
Physicists do it with large expensive machinery.
Physicists do it with the help of an absolute Bohr (ouch!).
Politicians do it with everyone.
Popes do it in the woods.
Programmers do it all night.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.
Scuba divers do it deeper.
Shakespearean scholars do it… or dont do it, that is the question….
Smalltalk programmers have more methods.
Sociologists do it with class.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians probably do it.
Systems programmers keep it up longer.
Typographers do it with tight kerning.
Usenet freaks do it with hard drives!
Vicars do it with amazing grace.

I married Miss Right.

I just didnt know her first name was Always.

How did the sand get wet?

The sea weed!

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but hes too polite to say anything.

When I tee off, the singer explains, I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round.

When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, How about if we play for $100,000?

Tiger insists he couldnt possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, OK, its your money… when do you want to play?

Stevie replies, Ill play on any NIGHT you choose!

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears its true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

AGENT: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

PIZZA MAN: And where would you like them delivered?

AGENT: Were over at the psychiatric hospital.

PIZZA MAN: The psychiatric hospital?

AGENT: Thats right. Im an FBI agent.

PIZZA MAN: Youre an FBI agent?

AGENT: Thats correct. Just about everybody here is.

PIZZA MAN: And youre at the psychiatric hospital?

AGENT: Thats correct. And make sure you dont go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

PIZZA MAN: And you say youre all FBI agents?

AGENT: Thats right. How soon can you have them here?

PIZZA MAN: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

AGENT: Thats right. Weve been here all day and were starving.

PIZZA MAN: How are you going to pay for all of this?

AGENT: I have my checkbook right here.

PIZZA MAN: And youre all FBI agents?

AGENT: Thats right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

PIZZA MAN: I dont think so.

CLICK!!!