Old and New Jokes

Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

A. The 1988 Hide-and-Go-Seek World Champion.

Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters

near Paris found English to be an easy language … until they tried to

pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below

were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said hed prefer six months

at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF

======================

Dearest creature in creation,

Study English pronunciation.

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

(Mind the latter, how its written.)

Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as plaque and ague.

But be careful how you speak:

Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciations OK

When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,

And then singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,

Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

Though the differences seem little,

We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,

People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the differences, moreover,

Between mover, cover, clover;

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

Chalice, but police and lice;

Camel, constable, unstable,

Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,

Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

Senator, spectator, mayor.

Tour, but our and succour, four.

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, Korea, area,

Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,

Dandelion and battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.

Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tear

Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation — think of Psyche!

Is a paling stout and spikey?

Wont it make you lose your wits,

Writing groats and saying grits?

Its a dark abyss or tunnel:

Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,

Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough —

Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

Hiccough has the sound of cup.

My advice is to give up!!!

Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that
their reservations have been screwed up, and they all have to stay in one
room. There are 2 king-sized beds, and it is decided that the men will all
sleep in one, and the women in the other. In the middle of the night, the guy
in the middle wakes up, and says to the man next to him, Let me out. I have
GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had, and Ive
got to get to her NOW!

The other guy says, O.K. Do you want me to come with
you?

What the hell for? asks the other.

Because thats MY dick youre holding! says he.

There was once a Japanese businessman who was engaged in a particular corporate meeting held in a particular business district in the Philipines.

As he stepped out of the aiport, he hailed the local cab, board it and requested his destination to be Manila Hotel. As the cab was attempting to make its way out to the main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard.

Out passed a Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from the main junction. The Japanese remarked. Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful. Verri faast!!

Some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side the cab a high cruising speed. Ahhh, Toyota! Also made in Japan, verri fasto. Also verri good! Very faast

The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the rear mirror and was quite resented over the Japs proud attitude. At that moment again, another car came ramming fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of it.

Mmmm, Mitsubishi! Also Japan, also verri good, very fast. Mmmm!

It was not long after reaching the destinated hotel, the cab halted in front of the lobby door, the cab-driver stared at the meter and proclaimed. That will be US$239.40, sir!

Nan desu-ka! What?, the Jap was astonished. The airport verri near to hotel.

Er, sir, this meter is NEC, made in Japan, very good and very faast.

Buenos Aires (SatireWire.com) — In an effort to fill its depleting ranks of potential leaders, Argentinas Congress today implemented a nationwide draft that requires all citizens age 18 and over to serve as the countrys president for a minimum of two days.

Implementation of the presidential draft is expected to reduce turnover in the position by 50 percent. The decision, however, caused violent unrest in the country of 39 million, as hordes of potential conscripts protested outside government offices.

I love my country, but it is not fair to ask me to sacrifice my future to serve as president, said 19-year-old Manuel Rodriguez, whose low draft number, 0434, makes it likely he will be called up sometime in early 2005.

The nations mothers, meanwhile, joined in the protests. Please do not take my baby away! cried Maria Esconvida, a housewife from Cordoba. Take me instead!

Congressional leaders quickly swore her in before she could take it back.

Copyright © 2000-2002, SatireWire.

A guillotine

An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on Earth. The Captain and First Mate step out and says: "Creatures of the third planet… erm, we have come from Somewhere-Out-There, and we wish to talk to your leader." No one moves or makes a sound. The First Mate says: "Perhaps they are afraid of us."
The Captain nods and says again in a friendlier voice: "Please, we mean no harm, just let us speak to your leader." Nothing happens. "We mean no harm, we have come in peace." Again nothing happens.
Growing impatient the First Mate says: If you will not take us to your leader, we will have to take one of you on board our ship for examination! When no one makes a move, the Captain pulls out a big laser gun and shouts: "OK, THATS IT, FIRST MATE, TAKE THE ONE ON THE END! CUT HIM AWAY FROM THE EARTH HE LOVES SO MUCH!"
Some blocks away, two police men sit in their car when they see the light from the laser. "Omigod! Did you see that," the first policeman says to the other. They drive to where they saw the light and stop, scratching their heads. "Looks like its been cut off neatly," the first one says. "Yeah, but why? Theyd only get a few dimes out of it." They look around the spot in wonder. And the second says: "Why would anybody want to steal a parking meter?"

In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop.

Our guy rolls down the window. How can I help you?

I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?

With a smile in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away.

Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. What can I do for you?

I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?

Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.

To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy, So, let me guess, youre the blue bastard of the asphalt and just what the hell do you wanna have?

Drivers license and registration please.

Chemists fast prayer:
Dear Lord, if I mix sodium
with concentrated HNO3,
and add to it Plutonium,
would you take care on me?