In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.The epistles were the wives
There once was this Vietnam vet who still occasionally had very vivid flasbacks. The man worked as a dentist and one day, he was doing a normal check-up, when a flashback hit him. He went crazy and repeatedly stabbed the patient. Needless to say, he was fired and needed another job.
The vet tried to think of places that wouldnt ask too many questions, so he walked down to the local McDonalds and applied for a position. They hired him and the first few weeks went well. But one day he was cooking a cheeseburger when another flashback hit him and he stabbed the hamburger into pulp. One of his co-workers turned and asked him with one question: “Are you a dentist?”
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
- Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
- Sell Girl Scout cookies.
- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
- Shave.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- One word: Flatulence!
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
- Do Tai Chi exercises.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
- Give religious tracts to each passenger.
- Meow occassionally.
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
- Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
- Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Burp, and then say mmmm…tasty!
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
- Start a sing-along.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
- Play the harmonica.
- Shadow box.
- Say Ding! at each floor.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
- Bring a chair along.
- Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
- Blow spit bubbles.
- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
- Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
- Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu
Lectropositive Mama
(tune, Lady Madonna)
Letropositive mama,
Cesium on your meat,
Wonder how you manage,
To stay on your feet.
How dya stand the smokin?
How dya bide the flame?
Do you think that lifes just
A burnin game.
Monday night your hungers a blue fire,
Tuesday morn youre cookin fore the sun.
Wednesday rain, youre only flamin higher,
Having your fun.
Lectropositive mama,
Cinders in your curls,
No way can compare you,
To ordinary girls.
Likin the explosions,
Rock you on your seat.
How can any woman handle
All that heat?
—Songs of Cesium #47
A man and his wife went to the doctors office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The man was slightly deaf and said, What? Again, the doctor said, I need a blood, urine and feces sample.
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear: Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.
83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like youre on intellectual welfare.
84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.
86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
87. Classes: the later the better.
88. The cute girls actually talk to you now.
89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.
90. The longer youre there, the less you talk about home.
A: To a crow bar.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.
On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!
In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.