10
Feb

Memo from God (inspirational)

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.

It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; dont despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what its like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new grey hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didnt live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other peoples bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; you might brighten someones day!

You have been Tagged by the Blue Man!!!

Which means you are a great friend!!

If this is sent to you it means you are a good friend!!!!!

Good Luck!

10
Feb

THOU SHALT NOT PARK

Jack Gremillion tells of the minister who parked in a no-parking zone and left this note on his windshield: I have circled this block 10 times. I have an appointment to keep. Forgive us our trespasses. When he returned to his car, this reply was attached to a parking ticket: Ive circled this block for 10 years. If I dont give you a ticket, I lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.

10
Feb

Top 10 reasons compilers must be female

Picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask whats wrong, they say nothing.
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
Always turning simple statements into big productions.
Smalltalk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly its wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.
Miss a period and they go wild

09
Feb

Lawyers take everything

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: Oh, I see your attorney lost the case! The defendant answered, No, we won.

09
Feb

Clinton one-liner

Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in four years.

09
Feb

Q: How many Republican

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that… With a DuPont administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need changing.

09
Feb

Lesbians and mechanics

What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?

Snap-on tools!

09
Feb

Incurable Disease

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, I have some very bad news for you. Im afraid that youre afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease.

So the guy asks, Well isnt there ANYTHING I can do, doc?

Hmmm… maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths. The doctor tells the patient.

Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?

Probably not… but at least youll get used to being covered in dirt!

09
Feb

En un concurso internacional sobre

En un concurso internacional sobre las mejores culturas de la antigüedad se dieron cita los alemanes, los franceses y los mexicanos. Los arqueólogos alemanes hicieron una excavación a 100 metros de profundidad y encontraron fragmentos de cobre alineados. De este hallazgo dedujeron que los antiguos germanos tuvieron una red telefónica.

Los franceses, celosos de los resultados de los alemanes, investigaron e hicieron un pozo de 500 metros y descubrieron pedazos de vidrio alineados; de ahí dedujeron que los antiguos galos tenían redes telefónicas de fibra óptica.

Entonces, los científicos mexicanos para no ser menos hicieron un pozo de 100, 200, 300, 700 metros y no encontraron nada. ¡De ahí dedujeron que los antiguos aztecas ya utilizaban teléfonos celulares (móviles)!

09
Feb

En un zoolgico tenan una

En un zoológico tenían una pareja de gorilas. Lamentablemente el macho murió y la hembra entró en brama. No sabían que hacer, hasta que un empleado dijo que tenía un amigo negro que era muy pijudo y que podría saciar el apetito de la gorila. Hablaron con el negro y le dijeron que no tenía por qué preocuparse, que el animal estaría atado de pies y manor, que tendría un bozal y además tendrían preparados rifles con dardos tranquilizantes.

El negro accedió y comenzó con la faena. ¡Pum! ¡Pum! y en eso la gorila rompe una cuerda con el brazo izquierdo y le ensarta las uñas en la espalda. Lo mismo pasó con el brazo derecho y las piernas.

Todos asustados le gritan al valiente:

¿Le disparamos?

A lo que contesta:

¡No! ¡Quítenle el bozal porque la quiero besar!