Old and New Jokes

Really, Really, Really, Really Old Milwaukee
D-Train Scotch
Amaretto Di Gotti
Orville Redenbachers Butter-Flavored Vodka
McBourbon
Dinty Moores Pork N Booze
Ernest, Julio, Tom and Roseanne Gallo
Dr. Scholls Medicated Tequila
Seagrams 7, Mets 0
Chivas Regis

Q: What goes VAROOM Screech! VAROOM Screech! VAROOM Screech!?

A: A blond driving through a blinking red light. =;-{)

(No insinuations meant, as I myself am a blonde)

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.
Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle.
Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag.
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-right or Naw.
Instead of Ta-Da!, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
The Recycle Bin in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player youd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Freebird!
Instead of Start Me Up, the Winders 95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart.
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt.
Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++.
Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag.
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.
Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
New Shutdown WAV: Yall come back now, heeah?
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz.
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrsawft Henhouse.
Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver.
Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire…
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard.
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator.
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Note: Supply-siders were the force behind Reagans early reforms, and their economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didnt quite work out that way.)

Una tía muy buena estaba en un bar tomando una Heineken.

El camarero no paraba de mirarle las piernas, y pensaba, Qué buena está. Me la tengo que tirar. Así que le hecha una pastilla para dormir en la cerveza.

Cuando la chica se duerme se la lleva al almacén y se la tira. Luego le llama un taxi, y la manda a casa.

El taxista no dejaba de mirar para atras y decía, Joder, qué buena está. No creo que se entere si… El taxista para en un descampado y se la tira. Luego la lleva a casa y cuando entra el el portal la ve el portero y le dice:

¿Qué le ha pasado?

Ha bebido demasiado y la traigo a casa.

Tranquilo, ya la subo yo a su piso.

El portero coge a la chica y piensa, Joder, qué buena está. Seguro que no se entera si…

y la mete en la portería y se la tira. Luego la sube a su piso y se encuentra con el vecino de la chica.

¿Qué le ha pasado a Pilar?

Ha bebido demasiado y la han traido a casa.

Tranquilo. Ya me ocupo yo de acomodarla en su piso.

El vecino ya llevaba tiempo detras de la chica y piensa, Esta es la mía. Seguro que no se entera si… y la mete en su casa y se la tira.

Al día siguiente la chica vuelve al bar, y le dice al camarero, Ponme algo de beber, anda.

¿Una Heineken como siempre?

¡No deja, que me da un dolor de coño!

En el cerebro de un hombre, una neurona lloraba porque se sentía sola. En eso, aparece otra neurona que estaba feliz y, conmovida, le pregunta:

“¿Por qué estás triste?”

“¡Porque me siento sola!”

Entonces, la neurona feliz sugiere:

“¡Vení al pene, vení, que ahí estamos todas!”

Una anciana nonagenaria entra temblando a un sex-shop y con una sonrisa toda dulzura se dirige al encargado:

¿Aquí-aquí ve-venden los los con-sola-doress Ultra-aa 2002 de 7 v-velo-cidades, su-super po-potencia y cam-cambios, con te-tecnolog-ííaaa ja-ja-japonesa de última ge-ge-nera-a-ción a pilas y gra-gra-duales?

Sí, señora, ¿quiere que le muestre uno?, responde amable el vendedor.

Nooo, nooo. ¿Me pue-eeeede de-decir có-có-mo se apa-apagaaaa?

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?



He was looking for a tight seal.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

Certainly, sir, thatll be 1 cent.

ONE CENT – thats awesome! exclaimed the guy.



So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?



Certainly, sir, replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.

How much money? inquires the guy.

4 cents, replies the bartender.



FOUR cents! exclaims the guy…

Wheres the Guy who owns this place?



The bartender replies, Upstairs with my wife.

The guy says, Whats he doing with your wife?



The bartender replies…

Same as Im doing to his business!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

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