Old and New Jokes

You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You dont know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you hes had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they cant use the computer because Daddys got work to do and you dont even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: The computer cannot come to bed.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.

Un tipo fue de cacería a África. De regreso, le cuenta a un amigo:

“Estaba yo vigilando a un antílope, cuando, de repente, oigo detrás de mí el rugido de un león ‘GRRRAAAAAH’ y… ¡Ay, me cagué!”.

“Con un susto como ése, cualquiera se caga, ¿no crees?”, dice el amigo.

“No, chico, me cagué ahora que le hice ‘GRRRAAAAAH’”.

La medalla de oro en la lucha olímpica sería disputada entre un ruso y un americano. Un día antes de la final, el entrenador estadounidense le advierte a su pupilo:

Este ruso tiene una llave especial: la Pretzel. Todos a los que se las ha aplicado tuvieron que rendirse y ser llevados al hospital, porque no hay escapatoria. Así que, por ningún motivo dejes que te la aplique. ¡Si te coge, ahí termina todo!

El día de la final, el encuentro comienza. El americano y el ruso dan vueltas y más vueltas, tratando de encontrar el mejor modo de atacarse. En eso, el ruso ataca y le aplica al norteamericano la temida Pretzel. La multitud se decepciona y el entrenador, que no puede mirar, se cubre la cara. De pronto, el gentío grita. El instructor mira y ve que su discípulo levanta al ruso y lo tumba. ¡Espaldas planas! ¡El yanqui gana! El árbitro lo declara vencedor con la medalla de oro y la multitud ruge.

Más tarde, en los vestidores, el entrenador americano le pregunta al ganador:

Oye, ¿cómo la hiciste para salirte de la Pretzel? ¡Hasta ahora nadie lo ha podido hacer!

Cuando me aplicó la Pretzel ya iba a rendirme. Pero, de pronto, abro los ojos y veo un par de bolas. En aquel momento, con las últimas fuerzas que me quedaban, mordí esas bolas tan fuerte como pude.

¿Y, entonces?

Sabe una cosa, entrenador: ¡No tiene la menor idea de la fuerza que uno adquiere cuando se muerde los huevos!

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then Im against it.



But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then Im for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.

Q: If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?

A: The one thats labeled IDAHO

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

A snake and a rabbit met each other in the dark. What do you look like ?, the snake asked.

Ive got long ears, two big hind legs and a fluffy tail

Aha the snake said then you must be a rabbit

Yes, I am. What do you look like? the rabbit asked.

Im bald all over my body and Ive got no ears the snake said.

Aha the rabbit said, then you must be Niki Lauda

At a San Francisco art exhibition, a young woman was staring at a painting of
three completely naked black men sitting on a park bench.

What was so unusual about the painting was that the men on the ends of the bench
had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

While the woman was scratching her head trying to understand the inner meaning
of the painting, the artist sauntered by and noticed her state of confusion…

Can I help you with this painting? he asked.

Well, yes, said the woman, I was curious about this picture of the black men
on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?

Oh, smiled the artist, Im afraid youve completely misinterpreted the
meaning of the painting… The three men are not Africans, theyre English coal
miners – and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!