23
Oct

3 Weddings

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldnt sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughters bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, Thats normal, especially on her wedding night.

She snuck by her second oldest daughters room and heard her laughing.

Thats normal too, she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughters room where she didnt hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last nights noises. Well Mom, she replied, you always said if it hurt I should scream.

Youre absolutely right sweetheart, the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. Now why were you laughing? she asked.

You always said if it tickled, I could laugh, she answered.

True enough, honey. The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. Now its your turn, baby, she said turning to her youngest daughter. Why was it so quiet in your room last night?

Mom, dont you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.

23
Oct

Un chino iba a salir

Un chino iba a salir del país con 100 Kg de cocaína y 1000 dólares. La policía lo detiene y le amenaza:

Te vamos a llevar con el cabo, él si te va a dar duro.

Entonces lo llevan con el cabo:

¿Así que te has querido llevar 75 kilos de cocaína y 750 dólares? Ahora te las vas a ver con el coronel.

Al chino lo llevan donde el coronel:

¿Así que te has querido llevar 50 kilos de cocaína y 500 dólares? Ahora vas a ver el capitán, él te va mandar adentro.

Entonces lo llevan con el capitán:

¿Así que te has querido llevar 25 kilos de cocaína y 250 dólares? Ahora te las vas a ver con el mayor, él si te va a mandar a la cárcel y a hacer trabajos forzados.

Entonces lo llevan con el mayor:

¿Así que te has querido llevar 100 gramos de cocaína y 10 dólares?

El chino ya no aguanta y reclama:

Ya, al menos dejal pal pasaje.

23
Oct

El matrimonio estaba conversando:

El matrimonio estaba conversando:

Mi amor, ¿crees en el amor a primera vista?

¡Claro! Si te hubiera mirado dos veces no me habría casado.

***

Sabes querida, cuando hablas me recuerdas al mar.

¡Qué lindo mi amor! !No sabía que te impresionara tanto!

No me impresionas… ¡me mareas!

***

El marido le pregunta a su mujer:

¿Querida, cuando me muera vas a llorar mucho?

Claro, sabes que lloro por cualquier tontería…

***

Un matrimonio visita al médico. Tras examinar a la mujer, el médico le dice al marido:

La verdad es que no me gusta el aspecto de su esposa.

Ni a mi, pero es que su padre es rico.

***

¡Auxilio, socorro, amor que llamen a los bomberooos… se quema nuestra casaaaaa!

¡Shhhh!… silencio mi amor, no hagas ruido, no vayas a despertar a tu madre.

23
Oct

Panda in a Bar

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said Id like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.



All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.



The barman came over and said Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!

the panda calmly replied Do you know what I am?

Why yes, the barman answered. Your a panda.

Good, the panda nodded Now go home and look up panda in the dictionary. And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.



The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friends murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.



After a while, he found panda and quickly read the definition:



PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

23
Oct

Hunting Trip.

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms.

The second no legs.

And the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and splash theyre all in the pool.



The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.



Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.



He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.



Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: Three years Ive spent learning to swim with my freakin ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!

23
Oct

Broccli perfume

A lady walks into the mall. She smells her perfume, ahh, $50 an ounce.She walks off. Another lady walks into the mall. She smells her perfume, ahhh, $100 an ounce. The last lady walks into the mall and farts. Ahhh, Broccli, 98 cents a pound.

23
Oct

Proverb2

Old Fishing Proverb (Mach 2)

Give a man a fish and hell eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and hell spend all day in a boat drinking beer.

23
Oct

Have you ever seen…

Have you ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Just look at your drivers license!

23
Oct

Preacher makes a house call

The farmer was out working in his field, about a half mile from his house.

In the distance, he sees his six year old son running to him. When the son arrives, he tells his father that a preacher has showed up unannounced. The father asks his son which local preacher it is. The son responds that he hasnt seen him before.

The farmer tells his son that he has a little more work to do before he can head back to the house.

He tells his son to go back to the house and ask the preacher if he is a Methodist. If he says yes, then go hide the fried chicken that his mom is making.

If the preacher says he is a Protestant, then the son is to go hide his moonshine.

If the preacher says that he is a Baptist, the son is to sit on his mothers lap until he gets there!

23
Oct

Before I came to college I wish I had known…

Before I came to college I wish I had known…

  • that it didnt matter how late I scheduled my first class Id sleep right through it.
  • that I would change so much and barely realize it.
  • that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
  • that college kids throw airplanes, too.
  • that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why youre so dressed up.
  • that every clock on campus shows a different time.
  • that if you were smart in high school – so what?
  • that I would go to a party the night before a final.
  • that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together.
  • that you can know everything and fail a test.
  • that you can know nothing and ace a test.
  • that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie.
  • that home is a great place to visit.
  • that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes.
  • that friendship is more than getting drunk together.
  • that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.
  • that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50.
  • that Sunday is a figment of the worlds imagination.
  • that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry, chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math.
  • that I really wouldnt be with that high school (boy/girl)friend for the rest of my life.
  • that dorms can be both your lifeline and personal hell at the same time.
  • that beer would play an intricate role in my future.
  • that Ramen and spaghetti would be my life.
  • how much I would miss my washer and dryer at home.
  • that I would no longer get allowance.

Thanx to William Conway.