Old and New Jokes

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

I cant stand this, said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

Hold it, hold it, he said to the men. Can you tell me whats going on here with this digging?

Well, we work for the county, one of the men said.

But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. Youre not accomplishing anything. Arent you wasting the countys money?

You dont understand, mister, one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. Normally theres three of us … me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now, just because Rodneys sick, that dont mean that Mike and me cant work and earn our pay.

221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do…

222. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.

223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said DISNEYLAND LEFT. After thinking for a minute, she said to herself oh well ! and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES. By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.

225. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, Awww, look at the dead birdie. The blonde stops, looks up, and says, Where?

226. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, Good thing I had my mouth open, or that wouldve hit me right in the face!!! Or: Good thing that cows dont fly.

227. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/shed been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad cause all the people were leaving.

228. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. Miss, may I see your drivers licence please?

Drivers licence? Whats that?… Its a little card with your picture on it.

Oh, duh! Here it is… May I have your car insurance?

Whats that?… Its a document that says you are allowed to drive the car.

Oh this? Duh! Here you go… The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!

229. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to iron, then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

230. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: Thats nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

You!!! Out of the gene pool!!!

LICENSE TO STEAL

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG

A tourist, supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didnt know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did – backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, Nobody move! When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME

The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, Crook, come forward. Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, he smiled with delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass through a red light five hundred times.

AHH, THATS BETTER!

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went a little bit too far in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb. Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses. The defendant smiled. With his lawyers assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am, e.s.t.

God help me to consider peoples feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though theyre usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th — Look, a bird — ing at a time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to others ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, Ill settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Amen

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yoda!
Yoda who?
Yoda le lee whoo!

2. Find a way to change everyones password to chrysanthemum.

fella goes to the doctors and says i got a mole on the end of my penis,Doc says drop your trousers and show me,After which the doctor says i can get rid of the mole but i,m gonna have to report you to the animal welfare people

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.

When he arrived, they didnt have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.



A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.



The clerk asked, Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?



He said, Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But Ill be damned if that gynecologist didnt stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I havent been able to find anybody wholl take what I have to give. — Cass Daley

The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis.