Old and New Jokes

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. BUT, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education,

The service out of patriotism,

The religion out of school,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending, or

The ambition out of achievement.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? Just look at those old folks with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

And, unless many of our younger generation learn to count, in the absence of computers and calculators, they will be back to counting on fingers and toes.

Remember … Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened?

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. You cant make any noise, she warns him. My parents are upstairs and if they find out theyll kill us!

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the mans bladder. I have to go, he says.

Well you cant go upstairs, its right next to my parents bedroom, she replies. Use the kitchen sink. So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks… Do you have any toilet paper?

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.

When the squad got there it was too late, the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.

He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately for him, there is a pile of dog crap just inside the door and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself, walks to the bar and buys a drink.A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of poop, falls, gets up, cleans himself and then buys a drink.Trying to strike up a conversation, the little guy turns to the big guy, points to the pile by the door and says, I just did that.The big guy punched him in the mouth.

Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.

You picket your horses on your lawn so you wont have to mow it.

Youre wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your drivers license pic.

You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.

Warp drive describes the condition of your car.

Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.

Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.

Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clintons inaugural ball.

After looking around, Kirk says: Beam us up, Scotty. Theres no intelligent life down on this one.

Whats the definition of a competitive man?

The one who finishes first and third in the same masturbation contest!

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.



On the bus, one turned to another and said, So, what did you bring? The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the Grandma Moses of Jail.



Then he asked the first, What did you bring?



The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,



I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.



The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, Why are you so smug? What did you bring?



The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said I brought these.



The other two were puzzled and asked – What can you do with those?



He grinned and pointed to the box and said – Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….