Old and New Jokes

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)

You might be a redneck if…

You keep a chainsaw in the trunk just in case.

Youve given your gun a womans name.

Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.

You go to the post office to research your family tree.

You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.

You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.

Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

You see a forest fire and think Bar-bee-Q.

Youve ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.

Your mother is hairier than your father.

Instead of flossing you use a plunger.

You take the back window out of your pickup because its easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.

When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.

Your grandma can bench press a
truck axle.

You watch The Dukes Of Hazzard and have to find someone to explain it to you.

Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say youve met your future wife.

When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.

Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family.

Your favorite fruit is chicken.

You think those yellow traffic signs that say Slow children at play means the kids in the area are not too bright.

At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.

Llega un tipo a una tienda de disfraces y pide el mejor disfraz. El dueño de la tienda le ofrece el disfraz de Batman.

¿Cuánto cuesta?

$3,800.

Al hombre se le hace caro y pregunta por algo más económico.

Tenemos el de Robin: $3,500., le ofrece el propietario del negocio.

¿No tiene algo más económico?

El dueño, algo desesperado, le cuestiona:

¿Cuánto dinero trae?

$50.

Cincuenta… Está bien, veamos, un disfraz de $50. Y le acerca una maraca al fulano.

¡¿Una maraca?!, exclama sorprendido el tipo. ¿De qué me puedo yo vestir con una maraca?

Es muy sencillo, se mete la maraca por el culo y ya está: es una víbora de cascabel.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.



If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.



If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.



If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.



If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.



If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.



If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.



If you are Manic Depressive, it doesnt matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.



If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.



If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.



If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mothers and grandmothers maiden names.



If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.



If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.



If you have short-term memory loss, please try you call again later.



If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says…Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours! The mom says…the bigger they are, the dumber they are.



So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddys! The mom says…the bigger they are, the dumber they are.



So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex.

Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. 9.30 okay?

George said, Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday? one of the foursome asked.

George said, Sure if I’m ten minutes late…

Another golfer jumped in. Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.

George said, Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.

What if she’s lying on her back?

George said, That’s when I’m ten minutes late!