Old and New Jokes

A preacher visits an elderly woman of his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. Mind if I have a few? he asks.

Not at all, the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher starts to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

Im totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really only meant to eat a few. Please let me purchase you some more.

Oh no, thats all right, the woman says. Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.

What should be the official name for Bill & Hillary Clintons New York abode?

There were lots of possibilities, according to the creative audience of The Jayne Carroll Show, a political talk radio program which airs daily in the Portland, Oregon, metropolitan area. Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, NewYork.

Some names nominated for the Clintons new home included:

• Perjurers Palace
• HillBilly Villa
• The House of Bills Repute
• Drawers Downs
• Cheatem Estates
• Sin Simeon
• The Knee Pad
• The White Trash House
• The Blight House
• The Panderosa Liars Lair
• Bill & Hills Bribe & Breakfast
• The Clinton Compost
• Dogpatch on the Hudson
• The Hen House
• The Out House
• The Love Shack
• The House of Seven Felonies

  But the clear, hands-down winner was…

• DISGRACELAND

Recently our family sat down to a meal of curried chicken which neither of our sons had eaten before. Our five year old apparently didnt think that he would like it because it was his turn to say a prayer over the meal and he prayed, God, thanks for this food and please help me not taste it.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctors office complaining of an irritated crotch.

After an examination the doctor sighs, I dont seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?

Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains, she replies.

Well, then, says the Doc, Next time it rains, get in here at once, and well take another look at it.

Two weeks later it’s raining really hard and the little lady shows up at the doctors office. Doctor, its really bad today. Please you have to help me!!

Well, lets have a look, he says as he lifts her up onto the table.

Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Dont worry maam this wont hurt a bit.

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. There you go, maam, try that.

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, Thats great, Doc, what did you do?!

To which the doctor replied, I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots.

Dos maricas se detienen a la orilla de la carretera y uno de ellos penetra entre los arbustos con el fin de evacuar.

Después de un rato, el sarasa regresa todo pálido y afligido.

¿Pero qué te pasó?, le pregunta alarmado su compañero.

Aborté, responde compungido el afeminado.

¡Ay, tonta, no me espantes! ¡Nosotras no abortamos!

Sí, ven, acompáñame. ¡Mira sus manitas, mira sus ojitos…!

¡Estúpida! ¡Te cagaste en un sapo!

El padre se dirige a sus feligreses:

Si tienen fe sanarán, si tienen fe sanarán; pongan su mano sobre la parte afectada y el milagro ocurrirá.

Una pareja de viejitos está oyendo el sermón. El septuagenario disimuladamente baja la mano y la pone en la ingle. La viejita lo ve y le dice:

Viejo, él habló de milagro de sanación, no de resurrección.

Joke found on http://www.loschistes.com

He had to get to the body shop.

A seal thought he would take a break from the beach, and decided to go for a drive. He was happily driving along the highway, slurping on his ice-cream when suddenly his car broke down. He called out a mechanic, who spent a few minutes examining the car. He said, It looks like youve blown a seal. The seal replied, No, its just ice-cream.

You might be a redneck if you steal bank canisters and use them as food containers!