Old and New Jokes

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

If you went to New York City for vacation and found eggs everywhere, what would the citys new name be?

New Yolk City!

This supposedly is an essay written by a college applicant when applying to colleges/universities. It made me laugh right out loud!

3A. ESSAY – IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When Im bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I dont perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller #9 and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary 4-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Im starting a new program, called the Pasta Diet! The Italians have been using it for centuries. Here are the few simple steps:

1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge

Whats the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.

The psychologist explains, You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed.

The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. What? Im not going to go through this. You know Ill never reach the bed! And he gets up and storms out.

The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in.

He explains the situation, and the physicists eyes light up and he starts drooling.

The psychologist is a bit confused. Dont you realize that youll never reach her?

The physicist smiles and replied, Of course! But Ill get close enough for all practical purposes!

Mama Bear and Papa Bear were in court getting a divorce and the judge offered Baby Bear a choice of which parent to live with.

JUDGE: Do you want to live with your mother?

BABY BEAR: No! She beats me.

JUDGE: OK, then you can live with your father.

BABY BEAR: No! He beats me too!

JUDGE: Well you have to live with someone. Who do you want to live with?

BABY BEAR: I want to live with my Aunt Bertha in Chicago.

JUDGE: Is there any chance shell beat you also?

BABY BEAR: No sir. The Chicago Bears dont beat anybody.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Opera!
Opera who?
Opera-tunity, and you thought opportunity only knocked once!

Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesnt change it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)

Why do blondes like tilt steering? More headroom