Old and New Jokes

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film. Seen it all, done it all, cant remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont. Shes always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? On the other hand, you have different fingers.

[We thought of this late one night…]

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long youve been waiting.

Estaba el expresidente de México Salinas de Gortari con su chofer paseando en su auto a toda velocidad, cruzando el campo, cuando de pronto ¡zas!, atropellan a un puerquito:

¿Qué hacemos?, preguntó el chofer.

Anda, busca al dueño del cerdo, explícale el accidente y dale un dinero a cambio, respondió el expresidente.

Así, pasaron una, dos, tres horas… Al cabo de 6 horas, se aparece el chofer, totalmente despeinado, con la camisa fuera:

¿Que pasó?, pregunta Salinas.

Me demoré porque el dueño del cerdo me invitó a comer, después la mujer me regaló estos puros, y un rico vino, y además hice apasionadamente el amor con su hermosa hija de 17 años.

Increible, ¿cómo hiciste?

Fue fácil, responde el chofer, lo único que dije fue: Hola, soy el chofer de Salinas de Gortari y acabo de matar al cerdo.

El dueño de una farmacia aprovecha que un amigo lo visita:

¡Hola, compadre, llegó justo a tiempo, quédese en mi farmacia unos minutos mientras voy al banco, todo está a la vista: los precios, el teléfono, la caja etc.!

Media hora después, el dueño regresa:

¿Cómo le fue, compadre?

Muy bien, vendí varias cosas, por ejemplo, llegó un tipo con problemas de hemorroides, así que le vendí el remedio

¿Y qué le vendió compadre?

Esto, y le muestra un frasco de Talvox.

¡Puta que es huevón, compadre, esto es para exterminar ratones!

¡Mierda! Es que yo le leí aquí abajo: Espolvoréese alrededor del agujero…

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells No, honey, dont do it. The blond replies Shut up, youre next.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sherwood!
Sherwood who!
Sherwood like to come in!

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

George Carlins Reflections on Life:

1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. Im not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. Im in shape. Round is a shape.

4. Im desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. Ive always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. Shes 97 now and we have no idea where she is!

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if youve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isnt your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you its because theyre such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, Dont you know a cow was murdered for that jacket? I said, I didnt know there were any witnesses. Now Ill have to kill you too!

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over. On aproaching the door he read s a sign: “NO NERDS.” He shrugs it off and enters. Hes greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. “Are you a nerd?” the bartender asks. “No, Im a truck driver,” he replies. Hes allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. “What the hell did you do that for!?” asks the trucker. “Well,” the bartender answers, “its nerd season.” “Nerd season?” asks the trucker, confused. “Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so weve opened up nerd season.” So, with that, he finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.
While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerves to hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesnt know what to do. Hes gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, “STOP!STOP!” “What?” the trucker asks, confused, “I thought it was nerd season.” “Well yeah,” the officer answers, “but you cant bait em!”