Old and New Jokes

A hunter walked into a pub where some of the regulars were talking about their most painful experiences. They saw him come in and asked him what his was. he answered.

Once i had just got a dear down and i had to shit. so i went over to a tree pulled down my pants and leaned over. My balls were hanging down and trigered a trap and i bolted.



Wow that was the worst. they said.



No that was only the second the first was when the chain ran out.

In restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: Rome wasnt built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor.

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: Caution: Nuts crossing road.

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible
fight. I am the most beautiful person in the world, proclaimed
Sleeping Beauty.

No, youre not, answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

I am the smallest person in the world, shouted Tom Thumb.

No, youre not, said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan

Ive had more lovers than any person in the world, announced Don
Juan.

No, you havent replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in
the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to
his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a
time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out
beaming. I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said
so.

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees.

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, Who the hell
is Bill Clinton

Theres a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going
to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white
striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen
minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and
then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time
for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the
field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half
hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his
thesis on this, and graduated.

Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?
If this leaks out, Ill be ruined.
If this doesnt leak out, *Ill* be ruined.
If I could convince Hillary to do that just once …
Now you know why they call me Slick Willie.
You are a White House intern; Well, now its your turn.
I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never thought that I would be one of them.
Somehow, I dont think that alan Greenspan would explain inflation that way.
Ive always said, I want to be a hands-on president.
What do you mean falsie inspection. I dont remember a no falsies clause in my contract.
When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thought you meant the latest Gallup Survey.
I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Sox sharpening his claws.
Are you *sure* its in?
When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of the nation, this isnt exactly what i thought you meant.
Maybe Chelsea can hook me up with some of those sorority babes.

And the number 1 thing overheard coming from the oval Office …

If you think thats 8 inches, I can see why you thought your last budget was balanced.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?Pregnant!

Heres some sure signs you may be a Canadian…

Youre not offended by the term, Homo Milk You understand, Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine. You know what it means to be on pogey. You know that a mickey and 2-4s mean Party at the cabin, eh!! You dont hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem. You can drink legally while still a teen. You dont give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, its just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars. Youre not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and dont want to know if he has! You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. You know that Mounties dont always look like that. You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as for children and the elderly, and for export to the US. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You believe the Canadian Conspiracy should have won an Oscar. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears wont prowl on your deck. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always steal his act by saying things like, “he has a card up his sleeve” or “he has a dove in his pocket.” One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

A guy goes into a doctors office with a dead frog on a stick. He goes to the doctor, Doctor, could you inject me with AIDS? Why? said the doctor. Well, the guy goes. When I do it with my girlfriend, shell get it. When she does it with my dad, hell get it. When he does it with my mom, shell get it. And wen the mail man comes and she does it with him, hell get it. But why, said the doctor, and the guy goes, Cause the bitch stepped on my frog!

Adolf Hitler dies and finds himself in front of the door of Hell. He knocks, Satan opens the door and asks: Whats your name?

Adolf Hitler, he replies. Satan is flabbergasted. Adolf Hitler? I know what you did on Earth and theres not way I am going to take you in. Indeed, this is Hell, but theres a limit to everything. Hey, why dont you go to Heaven? Follow the road, theres a big door on the right, you cant miss it.

Elated by this stroke of luck, Hitler starts walking towards Heaven.

The following day, theres a knock at the door of Hell. Satan opens and finds Jesus standing outside.

Jesus, what are you doing here?, he asks, surprised.

And Jesus replies: I just escaped from the camp and would like to apply for political asylum!