Old and New Jokes

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when theres a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and theres a snail sitting there.

What do you want?

asks the landlord.

The snail replies that he wants a drink.

Go away, were closed, and we dont serve snails anyway.

The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, picks the snail up, throws it as far as he can, and then slams the door shut.

….. Exactly one year later, hes locking up again, and theres a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there.

What do you want says the landlord.

What did you do that for says the snail.

You might be a redneck if…

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

Youve never paid for a haircut.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood.

Youve ever made change in the offering plate.

The fifth grade is referred to as your senior year.

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve…

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You think a cursor is someone who swears a lot.

A rather fat woman with a sagging figure was vacationing in Florida. She goes into a shop and buys a bikini.

The next day she comes back and wants to return the bikini top and get half her money back.

The clerk says, But you need the top too.

The woman replies, No, I dont. I can get everything into the bottom.

Estan dos invidentes frente a la puerta de Catedral, cantando con sus guitarras una tristísima cancion…

Se acerca un tipo elegante y bien vestido y le dice a uno de ellos: Buen hombre… le voy a dar algo para que no vuelva a cantar en su vida.

El cieguito afortunado, emite un gruñido y su compañero interpretándolo como de satisfacción, le pregunta: ¿que te dio, cabrón, que te dio?

Y el afortunado contesta, con voz apenas distinguible: ¡¡Un navajazo!!

Un químico, un biólogo y un ingeniero electricista fueron condenados a muerte y estaban esperando la silla eléctrica. El químico fue llevado primero.

¿Hay algo que quieras decir? preguntó el verdugo, mientras lo sujetaba a la silla.

No, dijo el químico.

El verdugo bajó el interruptor… Y no pasó nada. De acuerdo con la ley, si una ejecución falla, el prisionero tiene que ser liberado; así que el químico fue puesto en libertad. Entonces le tocó el turno al biólogo.

¿Hay algo que quieras decir?

No, haz lo que tengas que hacer.

El verdugo bajó el interruptor… Y otra vez no pasó nada, así que el biólogo fue liberado. Entonces le tocó el turno al ingeniero.

¿Hay algo que quieras decir?, preguntó el ejecutor.

Sí. Si cambias de lugar ese cable rojo con el azul, es posible que esto funcione…

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?



A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

A man with the ability to convince his wife that she would look
fat in mink.

The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbis garb.

May I come in? asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we …

I know what you do here, interrupted the rabbi. You dont think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls.

Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, Good! Ill take those.

The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door.

Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosies astonishment, the rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, How old are you, Rabbi?

The rabbi said, God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old.

That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if youre ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me – Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you.

The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again.

Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap.

Okay. The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, Wait one minute. This is important. While Im asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless.

Of course, Rabbi, said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbis testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, Im ready.

And so he was, for, to Rosies delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I dont understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?

Oh that, said the rabbi. Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I dont know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is five hundred dollars.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies Id nibbled, the eggnog Id taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

Id remember the marvelous meals Id prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way Id never said, No thank you, please.

As I dressed myself in my husbands old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—

I said to myself, as I only can You cant spend a winter

disguised as a man!

So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I wont have a cookie – not even a lick.

Ill want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I wont have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

Ill munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

Im hungry, Im lonesome, and life is a bore—

But isnt that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Man – A Chemical Analysis

Element: Man Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole) Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4inches. Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs) Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties : a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others. b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God. c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore… zzzzz). f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore. j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties : a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo. d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available. e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red. f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody. g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers. i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage : a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses : a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo… b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests : a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution : a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.