Old and New Jokes

For Catholics, death is a promotion.

What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?

Gee, we really do taste like chicken.

You might be a redneck if…
The primary color of your car is "bondo".

Thought Id pass along a grant proposal for important research. The following letter was received by the head meteorologist at the Miami, FL weather service office.

Dear Sir:

Last night, my 7 year-old son saw the movie Twister. He has abandoned his dreams of being a train engineer and wants to be a meteorologist. Needless to say he was determined to make an even better tornado studying machine. He wanted to empty his bank account to get a tornado sniffing dog.

I told him that the U.S. Government funded scientific research, and suggested he write for a grant. I thought you may enjoy his efforts, and I know that we would appreciate some kind of reply to his Grant Request.

Thank you for your time.

Dear Sirs:

I want to make an experiment to study tornadoes from the inside. I need a lot of money, so I am asking you for a Grant.

I will need these things:

1 helicopter
5 gallons of gas for the helicopter
5 pilots for the helicopter
1 stewardess to serve cokes
1 dog with a good sense of smell (not too big)
1 crash helmet for the dog
100 cameras
100 empty cans of coke (cut into little wings with a hole in the middle)
10 video cameras
1 Doppler radar
1 truck
1 camper lunch
2 computers (1 with pictures)
100 metal boxes for cameras (with a hole so the camera can see outside)
100 parachutes for the cameras
1 vacation for my family to Oklahoma and Kansas so we can find tornadoes

I think this will probably cost around $5000, so send me the money as soon as you can, so I can find a dog with a good sense of smell to sniff the tornadoes. I promised an old lady that we would bring her a video of the inside of a tornado, so I really need to get started.

Thank you,

Chaille

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their teams bench… After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. Oh, I really liked it, she replied, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldnt understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.Dumbfounded, her date asked, What do you mean? Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!Hel-LLLO! Its only 25 cents!

Sammy has stolen the rabbis gold watch. He didnt feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night, to go to the rabbi. Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.

But Sammy! Thats forbidden! You should return it immediately!

What shall I do?

Give it back to the owner.

Do you want it?

No, I said return it to its owner.

But he doesnt want it.

In that case, you can keep it.

(This might be an oldie, but I got a grin out of it when I remembered it.)

A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him.
Each time hed look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed.

Im sorry sir, let me buy you a drink.

He accepted and accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.

Really sir, surely you know this, you must be the ugliest man Ive
ever seen and I cant keep from staring at you.

You think Im pretty ugly? That ugly? Are you a betting man?

Well it depends on what Im betting on, but I do bet from time to time.

Do you see that cute little blonde sitting over there with that young
man? Ive got $50 that says Ill go over there and pick her up.

The bartender accepted immediately, plopping his $50 on the bar next to
the customers who had started to approach the table but wheeled and
came back.

Ive got another $50 that says that Ill pat her on the fanny as we walk
by you and shell give you a wink.

The bartender quickly added another $50 and shortly after that the guy
walked out with the blonde on his arm and as they went by he patted her
on the fanny, she winked at the bartender, and the guy collected the win.

Astonished the bartender went over to the table where she had been
sitting to quiz the young man she had been with, he was sitting there with
a stunned look on his face.

My gosh fellow, Im amazed! What did he do? What did he say?

Nothing! Nothing at all! He just stood there; licking his eyebrows…

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

Theres no easy way to say this, so Ill just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the womans lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune tellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. Will I be acquitted?

A young boy had just got his drivers permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, Ill make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and well talk about the car.

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that hed best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car.

Again, they went to the study where his father said, Son, Ive been real proud of you. Youve brought your grades up, and Ive observed that youve been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But Im real disappointed since you havent got your hair cut.

The young man paused a moment and then said, You know dad, Ive been thinking about that and Ive noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and theres even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair.

To which his father replied, Youre right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.