Old and New Jokes

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution, screamed the terrorist leader, and youre going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?

The Englishman spoke first.

Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing God Save The Queen to all you men.

That can be arranged, said the terrorist.

The Frenchman said, And I want to honor my country before I die by singing The Marseilles to your men.

The Japanese said, Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management.

The terrorist turned finally to the American.

What is your last request?

The American replied, I want you to kill me right now so I dont have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

Whats the matter? the bartender asks.

My wife and I got into a fight, explained the guy and now she isnt talking to me for a whole 31 days.

The bartender thought about this for a while. But, isnt it a good thing that she isnt talking to you? asked the bartender.

Yeah, except today is the last night.

I was going to put a dick joke here, but its too long for the space provided.

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porn shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he could handle it alone for a bit. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the bosss positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, How much for the white dildo?He answers, $35.She: How much for the black one?He: $35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.She: I think Ill take the black one. Ive never had a black one before.She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks How much for the black dildo?He: $35.She: How much for the white one?He: $35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.She: Hmmm…I think Ill take the white one. Ive never had a white one before…She pays him, and off she goes.About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, How much are your dildos?He: $35 for the white, $35 for the black.She: Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?He: Well, thats a very special dildo…itll cost you $165.She thinks for a moment and answers, Ill take the plaid one, Ive never had a plaid one before….She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guys boss returns and asks, How did you do while I was gone?To which the saleman responded, I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!

A bingo machine.

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so

intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.



The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.



The second guy says, What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen.



No, its true, said the first man, let me prove it to you. He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.



He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.



No, Ill prove it again, says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.



Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. Well, what the hell, the second guy says, it works, Ill try it! He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors …and hits the sidewalk with a splat.



Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying You know, Superman, youre a real asshole when youre drunk.

Dear Tech Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasnt mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesnt work on this program.

Can you please help!

Joe.

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have

ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C: I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Best of luck!

Tech Support

Because they cant elope.

(Cantaloupe)

Q: Why did they throw the tall basketball player out of the nudist colony?

A: He kept sticking his business in other peoples noses!