Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…
(especially when you share the same major!)
PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
RELIGION: Each prays for reconciliation and/or curses G-d
ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
THEATRE: OH MY G-D! Life is… ENDED… as we KNOW it!
BIOLOGY: You just wanted to get in my genes!
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
JOURNALISM: Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks…
WOMENS STUDIES: HE did it!
BUSINESS: Both decide that theyre spending way too much money together, and that its simply cheaper to be single.
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
ANATOMY: I never liked your body anyway.
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesnt really say anything substantively intelligible.
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.
COMPUTING: Man, this bytes — we just couldnt interface and/or His hard drive was more like a floppy.
E. ENGINEER: Its just so shocking… Im sure there are positives and negatives, but…
ARCHITECTURE: There just wasnt much to build on anyway…
JEWISH STUDIES: OY! You should feel so guilty!
PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and theres no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?
ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.
PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.
CHEMISTRY: It was just the wrong chemistry between us…
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to, Get help!
MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.
LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.
Underwater ship builders are concerned with sub-optimization.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
198. Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, thats where youre supposed to wash vegetables!
A: Proofreading.
* Reading, Pa., county controller Judith Kraines complained at a commissioners meeting in January about having to type letters and do other business on a typewriter because her computer was old and no one had been able to get it to work for two years.
If we had a computer, she said, letters would go out faster.
Three days later, she announced that the computer she was complaining about in fact had not been plugged in to any electrical outlet and that when the plug was inserted and the computer was turned on, it worked fine.
[Reading Eagle-Times, 1-21-96]
When the AirForce 1 prepares to land, the Captain speaks over the intercom:
The seatbelt sign is on Mr. President, would you please put the stewardess in the upright position.
How many Harvard men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One; he stands still and the world revolves around him.
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
Every list seems to go through the same cycle:
1. Initial enthusiasm (people introduce themselves, and gush alot about how wonderful it is to find kindred souls).
2. Evangelism (people moan about how few folks are posting to the list, and brainstorm recruitment strategies).
3. Growth (more and more people join, more and more lengthy threads develop, occasional off-topic threads pop up).
4. Community (lots of threads, some more relevant than others; lots of information and advice is exchanged; experts help other experts as well as less experienced colleagues; friendships develop; people tease each other; newcomers are welcomed with generosity and patience; everyone – newbie and expert alike – feels comfortable asking questions, suggesting answers, and sharing opinions).
5. Discomfort with diversity (the number of messages increases dramatically; not every thread is fascinating to every reader; people start complaining about the signal-to-noise ratio; person 1 threatens to quit if *other* people dont limit discussion to person 1s pet topic; person 2 agrees with person 1; person 3 tells 1 & 2 to lighten up; more bandwidth is wasted complaining about off-topic threads than is used for the threads themselves; everyone gets annoyed).
6a. Smug complacency and stagnation (the purists flame everyone who asks an old question or responds with humor to a serious post; newbies are rebuffed; traffic drops to a doze-producing level of a few minor issues; all interesting discussions happen by private email and are limited to a few participants; the purists spend lots of time self-righteously congratulating each other on keeping off-topic threads off the list).
OR
6b. Maturity (a few people quit in a huff; the rest of the participants stay near stage 4, with stage 5 popping up briefly every few weeks; many people wear out their second or third delete key, but the list lives contentedly ever after).