Old and New Jokes

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of I Love You variations and how to recognize them:

The I Love You, But Im Shy virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
The Unrequited Love virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
The Love The One Youre With virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
The Cant We Just Be Friends virus makes your computer think its interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
The One Night Stand virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
The Happily Married virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
The Unhappily Married virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
The I Cant Commit virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computers data.
The Its Just A Physical Thing virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
The I Want A Divorce virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computers best data in an ugly network session.
The Little Virus Of The Evening virus will do anything to your computer, if youre willing to pay the right price.
The Stalker virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
The Forever Single virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
The Deadbeat Dad virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
The Married Too Long virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com.

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you cant bring your dog in here.


What do you mean, says the man, this is a Jewish dog. Look.

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

Rover, says the man, daven!.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

Thats fantastic, says the shammas, absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!

You speak to him, says the man, he wants to be a dentist.

One day at the end of class little Billys teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, Dont keep all your eggs in one basket.

Next is little Lucy. Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies Dont count your chickens before theyre hatched.

Last is little Billy. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, Dont fuck with uncle Ted when hes been drinking!

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

You gene pool doesnt have a deep end.

Your huntin dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

Scsi – What you call your week-old underwear.

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!

A man walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me two shots.

Bartender says, You want them both now or one at a time?

The guy says, Oh, I want them both now. Ones for me and ones for this little guy here, and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks He can drink?

Oh, sure. He can drink.

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

Thats amazing says the bartender. What else can he do, can he walk?

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, Hey, Jake. Go get that.

The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter.

Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock.

Thats amazing he says, what else can he do? Does he talk?

The man says Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor a Nigger!

Two women were sitting in the doctors waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.

I want a baby more than anything in the world, said the first, But I guess it is impossible.

I used to feel just the same way, said the second. But then everything changed. Thats why Im here. Im going to have a baby in three months.

You must tell me what you did.

I went to a faith healer.

But Ive tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didnt help a bit.

The other woman smiled and whispered,

Try going alone, next time, dearie.

Como tarea, los alumnos deberían decir un dicho popular y presentar algo alusivo al mismo. Para entrar al salón, la maestra les pide que presenten la tarea, y empiezan a desfilar los alumnos.

El primero es Jorgito que lleva una ramas en la cabeza y dice:

Al que a buen árbol se arrima, buena sombra le cobija.

Muy bien Jorgito, tienes 10 de calificación.

Sigue Miguelito que, al igual que Jaimito, no traía tarea, por lo que se les ocurre entrar abrazados. Al verlos así, la maestra les pregunta sobre la tarea.

Dime con quién andas y te diré quién eres, responden los chiquillos.

La maestra los felicita y les otorga 10 de calificación.

Así, van entrando todos los alumnos. La maestra, al ver que Pepito no traía nada de tarea lo deja al final. Pero, en ese lapso a Pepito se le ocurre algo: toma un vaso desechable que estaba tirado; lo llena de agua y, al entrar al salón, se saca el pene y lo mete al vaso al tiempo que dice:

Lo que se tenga que pelar, que se vaya remojando.