Old and New Jokes

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that humans lap. If you can, arrange to have Friskies Fish n Glop on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, I love kitties, be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, But you always allow me on the table when company isnt here. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isnt necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cant be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the humans eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.

– How come blonde girls have bruises around and in their bellybuttons?

– I dont know…Why?

– Because blonde boys are stupid as well!

A rich society lady was being driven home in the rain when her Rolls Royce gets a puncture.

The car slowly stopped, and the chauffeur got out. After a long delay the society lady wound down the window. Do you want a screwdriver? she asked.

The chauffeur shrugged. Might as well, he said, I cant get this bloody hub cap off!!!

First businessman: My business is so bad – I cant sleep at night.

Second businessman: My business is also bad, by I sleep like a baby: I wake up every two hours and cry.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE… ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART DOG 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED… ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK — $2000 STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT — $15 FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL – SNEAKY NEIGHBORS DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50 NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE BILLS SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARES PIZZA – FREE CHOPSTICKS FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT… BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF ITS IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF BEER. HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES – CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED $100 TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR. NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND ITS MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ALZHEIMERS CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2 OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS KELLOGGS POT TARTS – $1.99 box FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN – $2.09 lb.

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldnt be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying, Dear God, please dont let me be late to church.

Please dont let me be late to church….

As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again…

Please, God dont let me be late to church — but dont shove me either!

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One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked hid Dad, What are these Pop?

Theyre smart pills son, said his father.

Eat them and theyll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, Yuck…these taste like poop!

See, said his father, youre already getting smarter!

You might be a redneck if…
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

They both know what Roy tastes like.

Love BoatEnterprise
Bald Captain Bald Captain
Black BartenderBlack Bartender
Young Vicki is related to a crewmember and works on the ship
Young Wesley is related to a crewmember and works on the ship
Ships doctor is a main character
Ships doctor is a main character
Julie the cruise director is sexy but annoying
Troi the ships councelor is sexy but annoying
Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected
background of open sea
Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected background
of open space
A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars
A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars
Going to strange new ports-of-call
Going to strange new worlds
Cheesy opening songCheesy opening song
Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the lounge
Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the holodeck
Socially retarded character with job description for name (Gopher)
Socially retarded character with job description for name (Data)
In late-night syndicationIn late-night syndication
Bad 2-hour pilotBad 2-hour pilot
Love Boat has lifeboats and flotation devices
Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and detaching saucer section
Scenes linked by ship shots
Scenes linked by ship shots
One character inexplicably replaced, then returned (Julie)
One character inexplicably replaced, then returned (Crusher)
After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion
After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion
Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous
Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous
Final scene takes place on loading dock; crew waves goodbye
Final scene takes place on transporter; crew waves goodbye
Aaron Spelling rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans
Gene Roddenberry rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans
At conventions, everyone is dressed like Dr. Adam Bricker
At conventions, everyone is dressed like Mr. Spock
Isaac the Bartender has useless gesture, pointing slightly forward
Captain Picard has useless gesture, pointing slightly forward
Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour time
slot
Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour time
slot