These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
106. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then hide the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, Oh, hes around here, somewhere.
Two wrongs dont make a right but three lefts do.
Yo mama so fat she got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream.
By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: Dont worry, I am going to save you.
The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).
So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)
The elephant shouts Dont worry chicken I will save you.
So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.
Moral of the story: If you have a big dick you dont need a red Porsche to pull a chick.
Collards is green
my dogs name is Blue
and Im so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blues
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You aint got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yore as satisfyn as okry
jist a-fryn in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as snuff
right out of the can.
You have soma yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when were in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, Im in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yore there fer yore man,
to patch up lifes troubles
and fix what you can.
Yore as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin overhead.
You aint mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Aint nuttin I lack.
Yore complexion, its perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin.
Me n yous like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentines Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
its romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
Thats impressive, I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
Diamonds are forever,
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these wont do.
Cause yore too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds…
Its a new trollin motor!!
(on David Letterman, week of 3/13):
My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks
like a regular guy–no earring or anything. But really
I think a man with an earring is better prepared for
marriage. I mean, hes already experienced pain and bought
jewelry.
— Rita Rudner
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: Theyre all on the same team.
Q: How do you know if theres an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big E on her pajama jacket pocket.
Q: Why wont they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Cos sheep dont have strings.
Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
Q: What is an elephants sex organ?
A: His foot… If he steps on you youre FUCKED!
Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatologist.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: Can I be on top this time?
Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
President Clinton, speaking in private with his advisor on public favor, told him that the planned invasion of Haiti will be the most unpopular thing that he has ever done as the President of the United States.
Actually, sir, according to our research, the most unpopular thing youve ever done was to be inaugurated as President. Its just been downhill from there.
Q: How many house-keeping staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know I only get paid $5 an hour to do this, and I dont know why I always have to do everybody elses work anyway.