Old and New Jokes

Why do blondes like tilt steering? More headroom

A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over

Man: Thats not so bad, whats the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So then what happened?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

Man: ‘Again? So what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: ‘And then what.

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset.

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea — each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and said: Isnt it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills.

The wife replied: Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?

Estaba un viejo turco agonizando:

Mujer, ¿estás aquí?

Sí, Ahmed, contesta la mujer

Hijo, ¿estás aquí?

Sí, padre, contesta afligido.

Hija, ¿estás aquí?

Sí.

Entonces, ¿quién putas está cuidando el negocio?

MUJER INTERNET: mujeres de difícil acceso.

MUJER SERVIDOR: está siempre ocupada cuando usted quiere usarla.

MUJER WINDOWS: todo el mundo sabe que no sirve, pero nadie vive sin ella.

MUJER POWERPOINT: solamente Bill Gates tiene la paciencia para aguantarla por más de media hora.

MUJER EXCEL: dicen que hace muchas cosas, pero usted tan sólo la utiliza para las cuatro operaciones básicas.

MUJER WORD: tiene siempre una sorpresa reservada para usted y no existe nadie en el mundo que la comprenda totalmente.

MUJER D.O.S.: todos la usaron algún día, pero nadie la quiere ahora.

MUJER BACKUP: usted siempre cree que tiene lo suficiente, pero a la hora de vamos a ver falta algo.

MUJER VIRUS: también conocida como esposa. Cuando usted menos lo espera, ella llega, se instala y va apoderándose de todos sus recursos. Si usted intenta desinstalarla, va a perder algunas cosas; si no lo intenta, pierde todo.

MUJER SCANDISK: sabemos que ella es buena y que solamente quiere ayudar, pero en el fondo nadie sabe realmente que está haciendo.

MUJER SCREENSAVER: no sirve para nada, pero te divierte.

MUJER PAINTBRUSH: únicamente sirve para sus hijos.

MUJER RAM: aquella que olvida lo que hace apenas se desconecta.

MUJER HARDDISK: aquella que se acuerda de todo, todo el tiempo.

MUJER MOUSE: exclusivamente funciona cuando es arrastrada y presionada.

MUJER MOUSEPAD: es la mujer felpudo versión año 2000.

MUJER MULTIMEDIA: hace que todo parezca bonito.

MUJER JOYSTICK: vive dejándolo a usted con la mano sudada y con calambres en el brazo.

MUJER MICROSOFT: quiere dominar a cualquier hombre que aparezca a su alrededor, e intentará convencerlo de que eso es lo mejor para usted. Idea planos para enfrentarlo a usted contra otras mujeres y promete que hará lo que usted quiera si tira su agenda con los teléfonos de sus amigas. Sin que usted lo perciba, poco a poco, ella será la única en su vida. Llegará un día que, hasta para abrir la heladera o tomar las llaves del coche, usted tendrá que pedir su permiso.

MUJER PASSWORD: Usted cree el único que la conoce, pero la conoce medio mundo.

MUJER MP3: Todos quieren bajársela.

MUJER USUARIO: No hace nada bien y pide más de lo que necesita.

MUJER ANALISTA-PROGRAMADOR: Se la pasa cocinando, se la pasa remendando.

MUJER CPU: por fuera pareciera que tiene de todo, pero por dentro está casi vacía.

MUJER MONITOR: Le hace ver la vida con los más lindos colores.

MUJER LECTORA CD: Cada vez son más rápidas.

MUJER DATAWAREHOUSING: Le informa de todo, menos lo que realmente te interesa.

MUJER E-MAIL: De cada diez cosas que informa, ocho son pendejadas, como ésta.

Once youre married, sex is like poker. You dont need a good partner, just a good hand.

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous
woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism
(zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over
her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her. Excuse me miss,
but how do you get into your pants?

Well, she replied, you can start by buying me a drink.

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he cant find the rake. He yells up to his wife, Honey … where is the rake?

She cant hear him and shouts back, What?

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, What? and the man repeats his gestures.

EYE KNEE – THE RAKE The wife replies that she understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her What in the friggin hell was that?

She replies, EYE – LEFT IT – BEHIND – THE BUSH

A girl approaches a boy in the school yard and asks him if he would like to play house with her.Boy: Sure, but I dont know how to play. So youll have to tell me what to do and Ill just do it.Girl: Forget the game, lets get married for real.

What is Bill Clintons favorite web browser? Microsoft Intern Exploiter