Old and New Jokes

Sharing is fun, unless its your own stuff.

Llega un joven indio a un burdel, toca a la puerta y le abre la Madame.

Al ver su vestimenta, la Madame le dice:

¿Qué se te ofrece?

A lo que de inmediato contesta el indio:

¡Indio querer mujer!

¿Tienes experiencia?

Pues…no… responde el joven indio.

En ese caso vete allá, a la selva donde vives, consíguete un tronco de un árbol que tenga un huequito, practicas allá durante un mes y luego vuelves. ¿De acuerdo? le dice la Madame.

El indio se va. Practica durante todo un mes con un árbol y regresa con una tabla debajo del brazo. Toca a la puerta del prostíbulo y nuevamente le abre la Madame.

¡Indio querer mujer. Ya tener experiencia!

La Madame le hace entrar y llama a Romualda para que le atienda.

Romualda y el indio suben al cuarto, ella se desviste y se pone en cuatro patas en la cama para tirar estilo perrito. De repente el indio saca la tabla y le zampa tremendo tablazo por el culo.

Romualda, muy enojada, y sobándose las nalgas, le dice al indio:

Pero bueno, ¿qué te pasa?, ¡indio hijo de puta! ¿Por qué me pegaste con esa tabla?

El indio muy serio, parado a la orilla de la cama, le contesta:

Indio querer asegurarse de que tú no tener avispas

Bob: Can you see farther during the day or at night?

Joe: During the day of course.

Bob: Wrong! During the day you can only see the sun but at night you can

see the stars.

For those of you who may need it…A Prayer for the Stressed!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work….

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Fridays

And help me to remember …

When Im having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!

They both like a tight seal!

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint
Peter tells him, You look like Einstein, but you have no idea
the lengths that some people will go to sneak into heaven. Can you
prove who you really are?

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and
symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. You really are Einstein!
he says. Welcome to heaven!

The next to arrive is Pablo Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials.

Picasso asks, Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?

Saint Peter says, Go ahead.

Picasso erases Einsteins equations and sketches a truly stunning
mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!
he says. Come on in!

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter
scratches his head and says, Einstein and Picasso both managed to
prove their identity. How can you prove yours?

George W. looks bewildered and says, Who are Einstein and Picasso?

Saint Peter sighs and says, Come on in, George.

TEN HUSBANDS

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, Please be gentle; Im still a virgin.

What? said the puzzled groom. How can that be if youve been married ten times?

Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said hed look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldnt get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didnt know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasnt sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … God, I miss him!

But now that Ive married you, Im really excited! Good, said the husband, but, why? Duh; youre a LAWYER. This time I KNOW Im gonna get screwed!

Why do men fall asleep immediately after sex? So women can masturbate and finish the job off properly!

That is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man? I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins? They cant stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A mans undivided attention.

Did you hear about the banker whos a great lover? He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why do men like masturbation? Its sex with someone they love.

What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room.

Husband: I dont know why you wear a bra, youve got nothing to put in it? Wife: You wear briefs, dont you?

How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a mans view of safe sex? A padded headboard.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldnt hump womens legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, How sad, a dead bird. The other man looked up and said, where? {regular readers will remember this as a blond joke… equal time, right?

Why do men love computers? No matter what mood theyre in, they can still get a floppy in.

Whats the difference between a clitoris and a pub? 9 out of 10 men can find a pub.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Walter!
Walter who?
Walter-wall carpeting!

You got your tater gun hangin over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

Youve ever entered yourself in a Howdy Doody Look-alike Contest.

Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com