Old and New Jokes

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. – Eleanor Roosevelt

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. Let me tell you a story, replied the rabbi. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS? No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.

At the Polish Agricultural university (P.A.U), the Professor was talking about increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the class asked: Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?

The Professor answered, Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they woke you up, rubbed your boobs for two hours and didnt fuck you afterwards, youll look depressed too!

As he is quietly watching television at home, a man hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it is a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly calls up the local zoo autorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovering unit is on the way and to remain calm. A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver takes from the back of the truck a chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this. As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan: First Ill climb up there with the ladder, then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat; As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua dog will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo… Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asks why he was handed the .12 gauge shotgun? Well… explains the experienced gorilla retriever, Its just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat, shoot the dog.

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in. The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating nonstop.

The intern asks the doctor he is with why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor says: Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up SO quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode.

Oh, I see says the intern.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.

Again, he asks the doctor What is up with THAT? The doctor says: Same condition,better medical plan.

Forget about the past, You cant change it.

Forget about the future, You cant predict it.

Inside:

Forget about the present, I didnt buy you one.

Marthas way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Petes sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Marthas way #2: Use a meat baster to squeeze your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and youll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Marthas way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Marthas way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, arent you going to take the shells off anyway?

Marthas way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Marthas way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chilis every night and avoid cooking.

Marthas way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there wont be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there wont be any leftovers.

Marthas way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there wont be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. Theyll even decorate it for you.

Marthas way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while its still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix me up

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, thats too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I dont care how bad it tastes.

Marthas way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Marthas way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before yields a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I dont do it.

Marthas way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

My way: Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?

Marthas way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corns natural sweetness.

My way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Marthas way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook with, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasnt fresh.

Marthas way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you cant rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isnt the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Marthas way #16: Dont throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

Marthas way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Marthas way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Marthas way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?

Because theyre worth it.

Q. Why does the wind blow from the north in Indiana?

A. Kentucky sucks.

A handsome young man and a beautiful girl met and it was love at first sight. They immediately got married and went on their honeymoon. On their wedding night, the bride went into the bathroom to freshen up.

Unfortunately, she had a case of bad breath so severe she had to take a powerful drug to control it. She was about to take the drug when she decided it would be best to let her husband in on her secret since they would be spending the rest of their lives together.

So she returned to bed without taking the drug.

Her husband then went into the bathroom to freshen up. He also had a problem with foot odor so offensive it required a special preparation to keep it under control. He was about to apply the preparation when he decided it would be better to let his wife know about his problem because she would find out about it sooner or later anyway.

He skipped applying the preparation, returned to bed, grabbed his wife and gave her a big kiss.

She said, Honey, theres something I have to tell you.

OK, he said, but I already know what it is … you ate my socks.