Old and New Jokes

Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third
week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.

Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?

Bob: Darts?

Bill: Nah.

Bob: Shoot some pool?

Bill: Nah.

Bob: Cards?

Bill: Nah. Hey, Ive got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around
with my wife.

Bob: Whadaya mean?

Bill: Just what I said. Well go to my house and we can fool around with my
wife.

Bob: What about me?

Bill: Shes a sport. She wont mind at all.

Bob: Well… if you think its okay…

Bill: Sure. Cmon, lets go!

<at Bills house>

Bill: Honey, Im home. Honey. SWEETHEART! Damn! She musta gone shopping.
Tell ya what, Bob. Lets go to YOUR house!

Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nations #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldnt think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
Theyd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
Women would rule the world.

Bholaji goes to the doctor and says Doc, I ache all over. Every where I touch it hurts.
The doc says Ok, touch your elbow.
Bholaji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doc, surprised,says touch your head.
Bholaji touches his head and jumps in agony.
The doc asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Every where Bholaji touches it hurts like hell.
The doc is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays etc… and tells Bhola to come back after two days.

Two days later Bhola comes back and the doctor says, Weve found your problem…
Oh yeah? what is it ?
Youve broken your finger!

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender says, We dont serve mushrooms here.

The mushroom says, Why?! Im a fun guy!

Woman: I have a problem. Doctor: Well, are you regular? Woman: Yes I am. Every day I do a number one at 7:30 in the morning and a number two at 8:30. Doctor: So, whats the problem? Woman: I dont get up untill 9:30.

President Bush and Colin Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, Isnt that Bush and Powell sitting over there?The barman looks over and confirms, Yep, thats them.So the guy walks over and says, Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?Bush checks to make sure no one is listening in, and whispers, Were planning our next war.And the guy says, Really? Whats going to happen?Bush says, Well, were going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman.The guy exclaimed, A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?And Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!

WOMENS COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse.

Never let your mans mind wander – its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

Un tipo cayéndose de borracho entra en una iglesia en plena misa y en el preciso instante en que el sacerdote levanta el Cáliz grita a todo pulmón:

Salud, amigo, esa copa que te vas a tomar, la pago yo.

Desde un confesionario, otro sacerdote asoma la cabeza y lanza un:

¡SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!

El borracho se vuelve y dirigiénsose a él le dice:

No te enojes, también estás invitado… ¡pero primero acaba de cagar!

Durante la clase de Ciencias Naturales, la maestra comenzó por decirles a los pequeños cada parte del cuerpo y les explicó que en la mayoría de los casos tenemos proporción.

Por ejemplo, niños, tenemos dos brazos, dos piernas, dos orejas, dos ojos, dos pies, dos manos, etc…

Pepito, ansioso por decir algo, levantó la mano:

¡Yo, maestra!

A ver, Pepito, dime.

¡Mi papá tiene dos pitos! Uno chiquito para mear y otro grandote para mi mamá!

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving.

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me, Officer, whats the hold up?



The Officer replies, The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. Im walking round taking up a collection for him.



Oh really? How much have you collected so far?



So far only about three hundred gallons but Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning.