Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.
07
Dec
07
Dec
Do you know why its called sex?
Because its easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh…Ahhhhhh….AIIEEEEEEE!!!
07
Dec
Un señor que sufrÃa de hirsutismo (demasiado pelo en el cuerpo) acude al doctor. Este le pregunta: DÃgame señor, ¿En qué le puedo ayudar?
El señor se quita la camisa y le muestra los brazos y el pecho diciéndole lloriqueando:
Mire doctor, pelo, pelo.
Se quita los pantalones y mostrando las piernas le dice llorando:
Pelo, doctor, pelo. DÃgame ¿Qué padezco?
El doctor muy emocionado, con lágrimas le dice al paciente:
Padece usted un osito de peduche.
07
Dec
The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized shed probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve oclock. She didnt seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said oh shit, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
07
Dec
Never eat prunes when you are famished.
07
Dec
Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, this coming Rosh Hashanah consider these options:
For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For not giving full value, Shortbread
For jingoism, Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For racism, Crackers
For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
For davvening off tune, Flat Bread
For being holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat
Remember, you dont have to show your crumbs to anyone.
07
Dec
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that its a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure
or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to
be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0
installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization
where it can monitor all other system activity. Hes finding that some
applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no
longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected
(even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0
provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as
MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance
seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features wed like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0.
A Dont remind me again button
Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the
option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system
resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow
the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You
must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing
bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of
Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they
would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the
uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesnt work very well leaving
undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks — all versions of Girlfriend continually popup
little annoying messages (nag screens) about the advantages of upgrading to
Wife 1.0
Bug Warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to
install, claiming insufficient resources.
07
Dec
Medical science is making great strides on all fronts. So far this winter I havent heard a soul complain of a cold. Everyone I know who has been sick has had a virus.
07
Dec
- Whew, thats one terrific spread!
- Im in the mood for a little dark meat.
- Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
- Talk about a huge breast!
- Its Cool Whip time!
- If I dont undo my pants, Ill burst!
- Are you ready for seconds yet?
- Its a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?
- Just wait your turn. Youll get some!
- Dont play with your meat.
- Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
- Do you think youll be able to handle all these people at once?
- You still have a little bit on your chin.
- Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.
- I didnt expect everyone to come at once!
- How long will it take after you stick it in?
- Youll know its ready when it pops up.
- Wow, I didnt think I could handle all of that!
- How many are coming?
- Thats the biggest one Ive ever seen!
- Just lay back & take it easy … Ill do the rest.
- How long do I beat it before its ready?
07
Dec
1. Before changing lanes you should:
(A) signal.
(B) check for traffic.
(C) both a & b.
(D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.
2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
(A) red.
(B) yellow.
(C) green.
(D) Who cares, it doesnt apply to me anyway.
3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
(A) 35 MPH.
(B) 25 MPH.
(C) 45 MPH.
(D) I paid $65,000 for this car, Ill drive as fast as I want.
4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
(A) slow to a walking pace.
(B) go around the block.
(C) stop.
(D) speed up and honk your horn.
5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you
should:
(A) maintain your speed.
(B) slow a little.
(C) slow a lot.
(D) speed up and dont bother honking your horn.
6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
(A) never.
(B) when there is a left turn arrow.
(C) on Sunday at 2 A.M.
(D) When ever you damn well feel like it.
7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
(A) must stop.
(B) may pass on the left after checking.
(C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.
(D) use your car phone to order Chinese food
while passing on the left.
8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
(A) pull to the right and stop.
(B) pull into the nearest car wash.
(C) roll down your windows.
(D) turn up the radio and ignore it.
9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
(A) never.
(B) when the doors are closed.
(C) if there are no police around.
(D) when you have missed your turn.
10. When approaching a traffic light where cars
are stopped, you should:
(A) relax.
(B) watch the signal.
(C) stop a safe distance back from the car in front.
(D) call your wife/secretary on your car
phone so everyone can see that you have a car
phone.
11. When turning onto a side street, you should
signal:
(A) two blocks before turning.
(B) two car lengths before turning.
(C) two miles before turning.
(D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, Ill sue him.
12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:
(A) only at an intersection.
(B) always.
(C) never.
(D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers.
13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
(A) never.
(B) on Sunday.
(C) if there is a fire hydrant.
(D) when Ill only be there for five minutes.
14. What is your annual gross income:
(A) $10,000-20,000.
(B) $20,000-40,000.
(C) $40,000-80,000.
(D) $80,000 and up.
Scoring
If you answered d on every question, you have a perfect
score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz
Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your
nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select
the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.
If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions,
you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study
the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for
your retest.
If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions,
were sorry, you just dont have the proper attitude to
be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver. Perhaps you should
consider a BMW.