Old and New Jokes

There was a man who really took good care of his body. He lifted
weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the
mirror – yes, he was a bit vain – and noticed that he was tan all over
except for his penis. So, he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the
sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon
encountering the penis sticking up over the sand, she began to move it
around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, Theres no justice
in the world.

The other lady asked what she meant.

The lady with the cane replied,

When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and Im
too old to squat.

knock-knock
whs there?
Sham
Sham who?
oh im sorry i didnt know you were talking to your mom
im not im tallking to you
oh i thought you said Shammo

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Un granjero está platicando con una mujer:

Al principio, mis gallinas no ponían huevos, pero después comenzaron a ponerlos en abundancia.

Qué coincidencia. Al principio de mi matrimonio yo no podía tener hijos, pero después tuve una familia numerosa, comenta la señora.

Para que mis gallinas pusieran, lo que hice fue cambiar de gallo.

¡Qué coincidencia, yo también!

The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, youre out of a job.

Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.


The doctor says to the first old man, What is three times three?


274 was his reply.


The doctor worriedly says to the second man, Its your turn. What is three times three?


Tuesday replies the second man.


The doctor sadly says to the third man, Okay, your turn. Whats three times three?


Nine says the third man.


Thats great! exclaims the doctor. How did you get that?


Jeez, Doc, its pretty simple, says the third man. I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has
finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking
out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in
the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old
bikers trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome
if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks
him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and
the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and
they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they
have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the
dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first
person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen
minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and
kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word…! Next he decides to take a more direct approach
so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.
And still no one says a word!

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the
table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he
hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome
on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline.

And the father says, Okay dammit, Ill do the dishes.

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. Well, darling, said her mom, how was the honeymoon?

Oh, mother, she replied, the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language… Stuff Id never heard before… Really terrible 4-letter words… Youve got to come get me and take me home… PLEASE MOTHER!

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

But honey, the mother countered, WHAT 4-letter words?

I cant tell you, mother, said the daughter, theyre too awful! COME GET ME, _P_L_E_A_S_E_ !!!

Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell mother the 4-letter words!

Still sobbing, the bride said, Mother… its just terrible. Words like DUST… WASH… IRON… COOK.

In article <256@uvicctr.UUCP> sdean1@uvicctr.UUCP (Steven A. Dean) writes:

A woman from Texas and a woman from New York meet at a party.
The woman from Texas says to the woman from New York;
Hi! Where yall from?

The woman from New York replies,
Where I come from we dont end our sentences with prepositions…

So the woman from Texas says,
Fine! Where yall from, BITCH?!

A few minutes later, the woman from New York meets the woman from Texas
husband. Shes steamed at the Texas broad, so she asks (in a verrrrrry
suggestive voice) Is there anything I can do for you, handsome??

Welllll, replies the Texan, I sure could use a piece of ass.

The woman from New York nods, takes the Texan into the bedroom, takes off
all of her clothes, takes off all of his clothes, and engages in a hot session
of mad passionate lovemaking with him. After they are done, she again says
suggestively, Now, handsome, is there anything else I can do for you?

Well, maam, he replies, I could still use that piece of ass for my drink.

Ken Barr {ucbvax,sun}!calma!barr
Calma Company calma!barr@ucbvax.ARPA