Old and New Jokes

Two Dallas Cowboys were in a car. Who was driving? The cops.

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:

1. … stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

2. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

3. A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.

4. … asked to see interviewers resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

5. … announced she hadnt had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve

6. Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

7. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

8. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

9 . At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.

10. … pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

11. Said he wasnt interested because the position paid too much.

12. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

13. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidates brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

14. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: Which company? When do I start? Whats the salary? I said, I assume youre not interested in conducting the interview any further. He promptly responded, I am as long as youll pay me more. I didnt hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

15. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.

16. Candidate said he really didnt want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

17. … asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

18. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

Tyrannosaurus hex

What is the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs dont turn into men when they drink.

Un psicólogo venezolano llama a un colega a las 2 de la mañana:

¡Tienes que venirte para mi consultorio inmediatamente!

¿A las 2 de la mañana?

¡Es que tengo un caso único aquí!

Pero… ¿de que se trata?

¡Tengo un caso de complejo de inferioridad!

¿Estas loco?… ¡yo atiendo a MILES de pacientes así, todos los días!

Sí, sí… pero… ¿argentino?

Un desnudista que camina por una playa solitaria se detiene ante unos letreros que advierten:

¡Cuidado con los homosexuales!

¡Cuídese de los gays!

¡Protéjase de los pájaros!

El hombre, sorprendido, se dice a sí mismo:

¿Cómo que me cuide de los homosexuales, si esta playa está solitaria?

El tipo no hace caso y sigue su paseo. Metros después, ve un letrerito muy pequeño que despierta su curiosidad. Cuando se agacha a leerlo, ve el siguiente mensaje:

¡SE LO ADVERTIMOS!

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hanover!
Hanover who?
Hanover your money!

Fluggs Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.