(I saw a request on the net a while back that I think was referring to
this article or a similar one. I first saw it in late 1984 or early
1985 so it is a little dated, but I think it still has some humor.
My copy has no copyright notices and attributes the original to the
APL SIG newsletter. I believe my copy came from a DECUS newsletter
or magazine. This is a verbatim copy from my photocopy of the original.)
Languages NOT included in the Commercial Language SIG
or the Languages and Tools SIG
by
Doug Bohrer
Bohrer and Company
Near Chicago
and
Ted A. Bear
NCA Corporation
In the heart of Silicon Valley
and
A Usually Reliable Source
Digital Equipment Corporation
Somewhere in New England
APL, BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN, PASCAL, RPG… these programming languages
are well known and (more or less) loved throughout the computer industry.
There are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet
still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally
have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these
obscure languages–and why they are obscure–we present the following
catalogue.
C-
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best
described as a low-level programming language. In general, the language
requires more C- statements than machine code instructions to execute a
given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.
DOGO
Developed at MIOT (Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training). DOGO
heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include SIT,
HEEL, STAY, PLAY_DEAD and ROLL_OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is
puppy graphics, a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves deposits
as it travels across the screen.
FIFTH
FIFTH is a precise mathematical language in which the data types refer to
quantities. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH
(hence the name of the language), LITER MAGNUM, and BLOTTO. Commands refer
to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA,
SCOTCH, BOURBON, CANADIAN, COORS, BUD, EVERCLEAR and WHAT_EVERS_AROUND.
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its user. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP,
LAFITE and WAITERS_RECOMMENDATION. The GUTTER dialect commands include
THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSE_RED. The GUTTER dialect is a particular
favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language.
LAIDBACK
This language was developed at the Marin County Center for Tai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to the
more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while
they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the
center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier.
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and
non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case. For
example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message:
I hate to bother you, but i just cant relate to that.
can you find the time to try it again?
LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an
S in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute TH. LITHP
is said to be useful prothething litht. This language was developed in San
Francisco.
REAGAN
This language was also developed in California, but is now widely used in
Washington D.C. It is the current subset of the international bureaucratic
language known as DOUBLESPEAK. Commands include REVENUE_ENHANCEMENT,
STOCKMAN, CAP_WEINBERGER, MALCOMB_BALDRIDGE, CABINET, CHOP_WOOD, LAXALT and
SCENERIO. WATT and BURFORD have been removed from the commands while there
is a current effort to add MEESE.
The operating system used is NEW_RIGHT and the designated memory is
THE_RANCH. The compile SCENERIO is a compile with NANCY followed by a link
with BONZO resulting in a SNOOZE. COMMIES (program bugs) are removed with
the GRENADA command.
A REAGAN program commences with LANDSLIDE and terminates with SENILITY.
RENE
Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes,
RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being
developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a
grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language
as Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours.
The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost
succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
exist.
SATRE
Named after the late existential philosopher, SATRE is an extremely
unstructured language. Statements in SATRE have no purpose; they just are.
Thus SATRE programs are left to define their own functions. SATRE
programmers tend to be boring and depressing and are no fun at parties.
SIMPLE
SIMPLE is the acronym for Sheer Idiots Monopurpose Programming Linguistic
Environment. This language, developed at Hanover College for Technological
Misfists, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in
it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No
matter how you arrange the statements, you cant make a syntax error.
SLOBOL
SLOBOL is best know for the speed, or the lack of it, of the compiler.
Although may compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
the SLOBOL compiler allows you to travel to Columbia to pick the coffee.
Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their
terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile.
VALGOL
From its modest beginnings in Southern Californias San Fernando Valley,
VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL and Y*KNOW. Variables are
assigned with the =LIKE and +TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the
California Booleans, AX and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handled in FOR –
SURE loops.
Here is a sample program:
LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
THEN
FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
DO*WAH – (DITTY**2)
BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
SURE
LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
REALLY
LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
IM*SURE
GOTO THE MALL
VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when
the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!