Old and New Jokes

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didnt say anything feeling himself a guest and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the Americans dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver.

Listen. he says, When you went through the red light, I didnt say anything. But why on earth are you stopping at a green light?

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: Are you crazy?!, he shouts. The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?

A gentleman broom met a lady broom in the back of a hardware store. When they fell in love, he shyly said Youre the broom Ive been waiting for.

As the months went by their romance bloomed midst many a mop and brush.

Then there came a day when she broke the news, with a wink and a charming blush.

Im expecting a baby broom, she said; but he wasnt at all upset.

You must be kidding, he said for we havent swept together yet.

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their
nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.When the bus arrives,they find it overloaded and only the wife and the
nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man
decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking
of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the side walk and says to him:
Why dont you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking
sound is driving me crazy!
The blind man replies:
If you wouldve put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, wed be riding
the bus, so shut the heck up!

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers — Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.Then the Guinness President says, "Ill have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all arent drinking beer, then neither shall I."

One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to. And one who reminds you of how far youve come.
Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella youre not ashamed to be seen carrying.
A youth youre content to move beyond.
A past juicy enough that youre looking forward to re-telling it in your old age.
The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
A feeling of control over your destiny.
A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that dont get better after 30.
A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

A United State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see whats in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

This will look nice on my mantelpiece, he decides, and takes it home with him.



While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. I wish for an ice cold diet Coke right now! He gets his Coke and drinks it.



Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside. Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.



He tells the genie his third and last wish. I wish Id never have to work ever again.



POOF! Hes back in his government office.

Una tortugita comienza a subirse, penosa y lentamente, a un árbol. Después de varias horas de esfuerzo, cuando llega a la punta, se lanza al vacío y se da un feroz golpe en el suelo.

Al rato, la misma tortugita vuelve a hacer el esfuerzo y lentamente, trepando como puede, llega de nuevo casi a la punta, se lanza y se vuelve a dar otro costalazo. Nuevamente, testaruda, hace otro tremendo esfuerzo y después de mucho rato y muchos jadeos, va llegando a la punta del árbol cuando se resbala, se vuelve a caer, agita sus patitas y se pega nuevamente un gran golpe en el suelo.

En el mismo árbol, en el extremo de una rama , había una pareja de palomas mirando a la tortuguita con lástima. Entonces, la paloma hembra le dice al palomo macho: Oye, querido, ¿No te parece que ya es tiempo que le digamos a la tortugita que ella es adoptada?

Una señora tenía dos perritos gemelos. Era tanto el parecido que decidió ponerles de nombre Teta1 y Teta2.

Un día de domingo la señora decide llevar a los perros con ella a la iglesia, cuando ve salir a un feligrés y le pregunta: Señor señor ¿usted cree que me dejen entrar a misa con mis dos Tetas?

Y el señor le responde:

¡Claro, a mi me dejaron entrar con mis dos huevos!

Se encuentran dos amigos en la calle:

Hola, ¿cómo estás?

No muy bien.

¿Por qué?

Porque mi familia quiere encerrarme en un manicomio.

¿Cómo es eso?, responde el amigo sorprendido.

Porque me gusta la tortilla de patata.

¡Hombre, eso no es grave, a mí también me gusta!

¿Ah, sí?, pues ven a mi casa que tengo cuatro armarios llenos.

Hace algunos años, en los Estados Unidos, se llevó a cabo un estudio para determinar por qué la punta del pene del hombre es más ancha que la base. Luego de 2 años y un costo de $1.8000.000 concluyeron que la base es más ancha para proporcionar al hombre más placer durante el acto sexual.

Cuando estos resultados se publicaron, Alemania decidió hacer su propio estudio sobre el tema, pues estaban convencidos que los estadounidenses estaban equivocados. Después de 3 años de investigación y un costo que superó los $2.500.000, concluyeron que la punta del pene es más ancha para proporcionar mayor placer a la mujer.

Cuando se publicó esta versión, un grupo de científicas venezolanas decidió hacer el mismo estudio porque consideraban que los alemanes y los estadounidenses estaban errados. Luego de 3 semanas de intensa investigación y un costo de 50.000 bolívares, estas científicas concluyeron lo siguiente:

La razón por la que la punta del pene del hombre es más ancha que la base, es que sirve para evitar que la mano salga disparada y le golpee en la frente.